Permission to eat!

We sent to see Sile and my physician yesterday for the 24 week checkup. My physician was mostly happy with me. My BP and heart rate were normal in his office and all my blood work came back just fine. I did however forget to mention to him that my heart rate has been up in the morning and this week I had the sudden urge to lie down where I was (not really a faint, just I didn't want to stand up anymore. I had to sms James to come downstairs and he freaked a bit as I was lying on the kitchen floor!). So he doesn't want to see me for another 8 weeks.

We then went and saw Sile, who got annoyed at me for not telling him about my little episode. Whoops. So she has recommended upping the digoxin a little bit. We also talked about the return of my vomiting and my pelvis going. She recommended to keep taking the antacid which is good, and she has agreed to lower my dose of the metformin. This is fantastic as I do think it isn't helping with how I'm feeling. It definitely is affecting my eating as I can't eat much and if I have anything too fatty or sugary it has disastrous consequences!

Sile did remark that some women are miserable during pregnancy and she would be surprised if she saw me for no. 3. On the one hand it was nice to get some validation that this isn't an easy road, but it has raised something James and I have talked about: that he doesn't want me to do this again!

Since I haven't put on any weight in the last 3 months, and in her words I am "miserable" she has given me permission to eat whatever I like!!! Usually she is so strict on diet and weight gain and has repeatedly told me that I'm not eating for two. To hear her say that I shouldn't worry about it and just eat what I feel like was such a huge relief! So last night we went and bought a chocolate bavarian cheesecake and had some for desert and it was GOOOOOD! tee hee. I'm not going to go crazy as I still find it difficult to eat, but at least I don't have to feel guilty about what I do have.

Sile will be away in January so I will see her locum who apparently is a lovely man (she said that he trained her and also Warren, so I'm also figuring he is quite old). I also have to do my glucose tolerance test (GTT). This is where you go in, they take some blood, you have a big sugary drink then sit there for two hours before they take more blood. Fun. But hopefully it will come out fine and I don't have gestational diabetes. I will have to remember not to eat too much sugar in the days before!

24 weeks

Waddle, waddle, waddle. I was 24 weeks yesterday and that is about all I can do. I'm pretty happy to have reached this point. It means we are viable. I know that doesn't guarantee anything, but the odds do improve dramatically. But I am really suffering. My pubic symphysis disorder (PSD) which has been niggling away since day one has suddenly gotten worse. We went for a walk last Sunday afternoon, then decided to go and watch some local carols by candlelight. They were a bit lame, but Charlotte loved them and they had fireworks. Charlotte is now walking around going "bang, bang". But later that night the damage from doing all that walking was revealed when I literally couldn't even get out of bed to go to the bathroom. James had to help me to walk. It has been agony. I saw a physio last week who ordered a belt and did some pressure point release. She also taped me up temporarily but I couldn't leave it on that long as the tape really annoys me. The belt arrived today and it is a bit different from my old one. I had forgotten though how uncomfortable they are; but at least it can give me some relief. The belt helps to stabilise the pelvis. Unfortunately this isn't going to get better, until baby comes out that is. I am really worried what the next few months will bring as the pain I've had over the last few days has been nearly unbearable.

Unfortunately my 24th week also brought a return of my morning sickness. The last few days I've felt really bad and have been vomiting again. At first I thought I had a gastro as it did surprise me a bit - I've been managing so much better lately. But by mid morning I was feeling better and today was the same. I did stop taking the antacid the other day so that could be the reason for it. I just wasn't sure if I should continue to take it or not.
I'm also still struggling with my pulse. This morning I was overcome with the sensation of my heart racing (even though I think it wasn't up that much, maybe 120 bpm) and had to lie down. I think I scared James as I called out to him and he found me lying on the kitchen floor. I did feel better after a little lie down though.

At least bubs has been entertaining me with his kicks. I love that feeling, except when he decides to use my cervix as a trampoline. ouchie. Actually not so much ouch as really frickin weird. I love feeling the kicks and get really scared when I haven't felt them for a while.

We see Sile and the specialist again this week so I will be bringing all of this up with her. I know there is nothing she can do for my pelvis but at least I can have a whinge about it.

Rain rain go away

Ok so this has been bothering me, and I do mean this in a truly sincere way.

I hope that the weather improves by the time Oprah arrives.

I know, I know, that is really really silly. I do like Oprah, but I'm not overly fussed about her. But such alot as been made of her coming, and the fact that she and a few hundred Americans are travelling around to various parts of the country. And I want them to like us!

Whenever we have had overseas visitors come and stay, and we do all the touristy things, I always want the weather to be nice. Australia really is a beautiful country, but nobody likes a holiday when the weather is bad. At the moment, we have hardly seen the sun for days on end. I am really sick of these grey skies, and everything is just so soggy.

I don't know where they are going, but I know that Sydney Harbour on a sunny day is simply beautiful. The water literally sparkles, and the Opera house just glows. On a rainy day it is all grey and dreary. And the barrier reef is best seen on a sunny day when the water turns emerald green or so clear you can see the fish swimming metres below you! At least a cold and wet day won't spoil the Barossa - it might even make it better as they snuggle up to a fire drinking red wine! And a little bit of grey misty weather makes the Blue mountains worthwhile.

Maybe this means I'm in desperate need of a holiday. Whatever the reason, I do hope the weather improves!

A letter to my nephew

Dear Daniel,

A year has passed since you entered the world. From that first moment you were loved by so many. And even though you lived only a few short hours, that love continues today.

You are my 4th nephew, and I would have loved to spoil you. I would have been the Aunt who buys you chocolates and lollies when you visit, then give you back to your parents. I hope that you would have liked the Christmas and birthday gifts that we sent. Some of them may have been silly, some may have been cool. But I will always remember.

I am sure that Charlotte and bubba would have loved playing with you. When you came to visit you all could have played in the pool all day, then camped out in the backyard at night.

As your Aunt I would have loved to have been there for your 21st birthday. Seen you finish school and go to uni. I would have been the Aunt who got slightly tipsy at your wedding and hugged everyone. And sent you little gifts when you started your own family. I could have told you stories about your Mum (which of course she would deny).

As your Aunt, my heart still breaks everyday that I never got to hold you and share all of these things. You will always be in my heart and never forgotten.

Love, Aunty Janet

Complicated

So apparently I am complicated. My specialist told me this last time I saw him. I had to see my GP yesterday (I have a mild throat infection) and his words were "you are very complicated, I wouldn't want to keep you as a patient". Great. (He wasn't my normal GP, he was the standby one when I can't see my normal one).

I don't really feel that complicated. It's just when you start looking at my medical history that it looks that way. On the one hand I find this rather amusing as I am so used to dealing with all of these issues (the BP, tachycardia's, the IVF, haemachromatosis etc). I don't really think of them as being a problem. But it is also very annoying. I would like to have a boring straightforward pregnancy and not have to see specialists and get blood tests and so on. But I also don't feel well and feel like I'm struggling so maybe all these "complications" are the reason. And that makes me feel better that it isn't in my head.

Tomorrow I have a phone interview with the hospital midwives. It is a fairly standard interview with history and current status and so on. I remember doing it with Charlotte. It should be a fairly short interview (20 minutes or so) but I bet mine will go for longer as I have all these "complications" to discuss.

On the home front it looks like we won't be going on our babymoon any time soon. James isn't quite recovering as well as he would like from his operation. I thought that this would happen as he is getting older and these things hit us harder. And I know how it feels since I've had 6 operations in the last few years. But at least he felt up to giving me a sleep in this morning (we tend to tag team getting up to Charlotte but this past week I have been doing it all, which is just exhausting since she likes to get up around 5.30 am). Oh well, who needs sleep anyway?

Must not scratch...

At 21 weeks I am itchy. It is driving me crazy. My arms, face, neck, anywhere. And the more I think about it, the itchier I get. Last night it was driving me crazy. Of course I then convinced myself that I have something called "choleostasis of pregnancy" which depending on what you read, can be a very serious condition or not : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intrahepatic_cholestasis_of_pregnancy

I will mention it at my next OB appt though (if it still continues) as it is driving me mad. And reading some of the symptoms listed, it seems to fit how I am feeling now, but then, so does being pregnant. I probably don't have it as my palms and feet aren't itchy, just everywhere else. I love being a hypochondriac, it allows you to fill your day with anxiety!

I was getting quite anxious about feeling bubba move, as he just didn't seem active enough. But I am now feeling him more often and last night even saw my belly jump! (well, jiggle is a better way of describing it).

Some good news is that I am completely off the prednisone. Yay! I got down to 2mg this week then just decided to stop. I really don't know if it has made a positive difference to how I feel. One thing that has happened is my nausea has returned. It is a low grade, almost constant yuck feeling. My appetite has also severely decreased and there are times when I can't eat a thing, or I vomit it back up. James and I had a huge fight this week as I couldn't eat something he had cooked. He seems to take it personally when it is a really random thing. Some days I want to eat, some days I don't. I have gone off vegetables, but can eat lettuce. I don't like beef stir frys, but a good thick steak is yummy. It's annoying for me too.

It has been a big week all round. I took Charlotte to Queens Park in Ipswich which has an animal reserve that is free to enter. We went with our mothers group and it was SO much fun, letting the girls run around and look at all the animals. Then the next day, James had sinus surgery which has knocked him around a bit. And today I got a haircut. this doesn't seem big, but I haven't had one since January. It is the sort of thing that I can't really justify spending money on, so put off for ages. But it feels great. I am really tired now, and physically sore. I think that is because I have been carrying Charlotte around a bit more than I would normally.

So I'm hoping that I start to feel a bit better and James recovers well as I desperately want to go on a little family holiday. We will have to see.

Halfway

I am 20 weeks today, halfway. When I think of it like that it seems that time has gone very quickly. But then I think that bubs isn't due until April next year and it feels sooo long away. And then I also think about the last few months and it feels like time has gone both quick and slow (especially slow when I was bleeding, and vomiting, and stressing every second).

I saw both my OB and the physician yesterday. The physician didn't offer anything more. He still thinks that the prednisone is causing the bp issues. I'm now down to 4mg so nearly off it. He also wanted me to get a repeat blood test, even though I got one done 3 weeks ago. He though I looked "pale" today (I always look pale) and just wants to check that my haemoglobin levels aren't dropping too much. They were 140 odd 3 weeks ago which apparently is quite good so who knows. I see him again in 4 weeks.

I then saw Sile. Can I say again how much I love this woman. She makes me feel so comfortable. I seem to be measuring fine, and we heard the heartbeat briefly. I stressed that my ongoing cough and sore throat is REALLY annoying and she gave me a script for an antacid. She (and actually the physician) think it is caused by reflux. I was a bit dubious about this as I am really snotty too. But I took one last night, and the cough seemed to settle down. It hasn't been anywhere near as bad today either. So all up the visits went fine.

I've actually been feeling quite good the last few days. Mornings are terrible still but it is more my heart rate which makes me feel off. It seems to race and I find standing up and doing anything quite a challenge. It has been really humid too and that is getting to me. I did some chores this morning and it took a few goes just to get started as I kept needing to sit down. And then I think I overdid it as my back was killing me, and also my round ligaments. (Sile explained these to me yesterday, basically all the muscles holding our tummies in stretch and hurt!)

But it has finally warmed up enough to get back into the pool. The water is still a bit nippy, but it sure does help cool me down and feel a bit better. Charlotte LOVES it. She runs to the side, jumps in, then swims to the steps to do it again. I'm so glad we kept up the swimming lessons but don't know what we will do once bubs comes along. I might have to convince James to either look after bubs or take Charlotte.

It's a.....

....BOY!

After the big meltdown last week I was still feeling pretty anxious about the scan on Thursday, even though I'd been feeling a few kicks all morning. The minute they started the ultrasound my heart skipped a beat until we saw bubba's heart, flickering away. Bubba was being particularly unco-operative and kept moving his hand to wherever the sonographer was trying to scan. Or he would turn away, she would move her wand, and then he would turn back! It took nearly two hours to get all of the measurements which was fine by me as we got to have a really good look at bubba. And all is well, he is measuring nearly right on for dates and is looking cute as a button!

He also wouldn't uncross his legs so for a while there we thought we wouldn't be able to find out the sex. After ages he moved, and the sonographer had a good look and said "it's a boy, very clearly". I didn't think that I cared what we were having, but when she said this I started to cry! I didn't react at all like this when we found out Charlotte was a she, (and secretly I really did want a girl) so I'm not sure why this moment was so emotional.

After the sonographer was done the radiologist came in to check things over (which is normal procedure). We seem to attract interesting health professionals and he was no exception. He asked how the "mad Sile" was doing (our OB) and then had a laugh that we also had the "crazy Warren". He had a good look at everything and got some more pictures. At one point we could see bubba swallowing, and he froze a few frames. He then flipped them back and forward and said "see, baby's laughing at us". Which was cute and he seemed to find it hilariously funny. I would say that we had a great experience with our scan and feel really reassured now that bubs (so far) is looking good.

Of course now we have to think of a name! I haven't been able to think of any boys names which is why I thought we were having a girl. James and I had a big talk all the way home about names, but still no clear winners. Oh well, I guess we still have a few months to think of one! I keep thinking that James is going to have a son, and get emotional again. I hope that this is what I need to connect more with bubba. It helps too that he is moving alot more now, I think I even saw my belly move last night. Plus I get to go shopping now for itsy bitsy cute little blue things. Yay!

And here are a few pics from the scan:

Ok, I know this one looks a little odd and creepy but the health professional in me is fascinated. It is bubs back so you can see his spine, the ribs, his scapula, right up to the head where you can just see the jaw bones. Super cool.

Hi!
Our gorgeous little boy. I think he has my nose!

Anxious

I am blaming it on the hormones, but I can cry at the drop of a hat. Anything sets me off. The huggies ads on tv, a tv show, a memory of a tv show, looking at babies, talking about babies, my gosh just about anything.

Yesterday I had a massive meltdown. I have been feeling really anxious about bubba. I've been getting some kicks, but not that many, and so I have been worried that something might be wrong. Last night I just lost it and cried and cried. I don't think James understood and he kinda made it worse (although I can't explain how). I wish I could stop worrying.

Yesterday was a stressful day though. We went and got a money box for my nephew and got it engraved. This was for D, and it has been nearly a year that he passed away. I have been thinking alot about it and finding this really hard. Getting the money box has just made it more real that he isn't here. When we bought it, I just about started sobbing in the jewellery store, I'm sure the shop assistant thought I was weird. I'm not sure if my sister will like it, or if it is the right thing to do, but it feels right to me.

Also worrying me yesterday was Charlotte. She had been running high temps all week but the last few days it had come down. Saturday morning she was holding her ear and saying "owie". After a few hours at the shops she was lethargic, and had a fever. We knew she was really sick when we stopped at a big fish tank and she hardly even batted an eyelid (normally she loves the fish tank, and says "bubbles, bubbles!"). We were very lucky and managed to see a doctor quite quickly, by which time she had a temp of 39 and only wanted cuddles (not like her at all). Surely enough she has an ear infection so is now on antibiotics. We walked out of there and I nearly started crying!

So sick babies, stillbirths, and worse are on my mind at the moment. No wonder I had a meltdown last night! I've also been doing a bit of reading about IVF and anxiety. I knew that IVF mothers can be more anxious but I actually found some articles which were quite clear that we can be more anxious throughout pregnancy and those first few months. We can also have difficulties connecting with the pregnancy as it doesn't seem real after everything we have gone through. I found this blog site (which is also a book) and she puts it better here:
http://invitrofertilitygoddess.com/2007/05/11/ivf-pregnancy-is-it-a-worry/

Of course after worrying that bubba wasn't moving, today it has been more active. Unfortunately I've also been feeling quite sick the last few days and actually vomited yesterday for the first time in weeks. But at least my pill count is down. I'm down to 7mg of prednisone which is great. All up I'm taking 10 pills a day (and 2 of those are vitamins) which is just wonderful. I keep looking at them thinking I'm missing something.

But this week we have the morphology scan, and yes we will be finding out the gender. We have had enough surprises! This will also be the longest we have gone without seeing or hearing bubba, so that probably isn't helping my anxiety at all. So I can't wait until Thursday!

It never ends

I haven't posted for a few weeks. Largely because every time I think about it, I'm either too tired or feeling too down about everything. I don't want every post to be negative but I just feel like it never ends at the moment.

I'm now 16w 5d. It hit me yesterday that we are nearly halfway there. It seems that bubs is doing well. I saw Sile last week and she did a quick scan. Bubs did a quick wave, and was looking good.

Me on the other hand, is a different story. After getting James cold, I got a little bit better, then got worse again. I was at the point of constantly coughing so that my ribs hurt, my throat felt like I was swallowing razorblades, and I was so tired. I went back to the GP who gave me a different (stronger) dose of antibiotics which did seem to help things.

When I saw Sile last week she gave me another script for them as I am still not better. So that is 4 rounds of antibiotics. She was also quite concerned about my bp and heart rate. My bp was a little bit up, but also fluctuating. I told her that over the last few weeks it has been all over the shop. My heart rate was at 120 bpm which is what is has been the last few weeks and she was very concerned at that. This is despite being on the digoxin for the last month which should bring it down. So she has referred me to a Physician to get everything checked out. I had to laugh though that she ran out of room while writing the referral as my medical history is so long! So I see him next week. Sile didn't want me to wait to see him, which is how I know she is really worried about it all.

I feel a bit stressed about all of this. I've lived with bp issues for a while, but I guess it is in pregnancy where it really does become an issue, not just for me but for bubs too. I don't think it helps that James has been away all week and I have been struggling to deal with Charlotte. She is pushing boundaries and trying to assert her independence. But when I'm exhausted, and can hardly pick her up, she is really pushing me to the end of my sanity.

Today in particular has been a shocker. I've been on the edge of tears all day. I dropped my prednisone down to 15mg and of course have been feeling really sick all day. My sinuses are still killing me, I'm still coughing and have a sore throat, and am just so so tired. James comes home tomorrow and I can't wait.

But in all of this we did pass a big milestone. A few weeks back now I took the last progesterone pessary. That was the last of the pure IVF drugs. (I'm still taking drugs that I started at the beginning of the cycle, but now I'm still on them because of the pregnancy). I should have felt happier about it, but was feeling too sick to care. This is something else I want to talk about with the physician. Something just doesn't feel right within me at the moment. I know I'm pregnant, and so shouldn't feel normal, but I also don't think I should be this tired and sick in general. Anyway we will see what he says next week.

In between the tantrums...

In between the tantrums, Charlotte is being so adorable right now. I love this stage of her development, she is finding out new things, exploring and experiencing. And yes she is trying to set and push boundaries which I am also finding very challenging. But here are some of the adorable things she is now doing, just so I remember for the next time she is chucking a tantrum!

• She loves to help me with the housework. She has a toy vacuum cleaner that she like to vacuum with, and when I am doing the vacuuming she follows me around with hers. She also loves to clean the windows and is actually quite good at it. She can even use the spray bottle (with supervision of course) and then wipes away. Of course 10 minutes later she has slobbered on them again but still. She also loves to help put things in the clothes dryer. Doesn't matter if they are dirty or clean - in they all go! I wonder how long this helping phase will last for?
• Charlotte has started to play with her toy doll alot. She will put it on the floor for a nappy change, grab the cream, about half a dozen wipes and go for it. It really is very cute to watch, if not a little messy. I have had to rescue alot of perfectly good wipes from the rubbish bin.
  
• She likes to make noises when she is doing things, but she has copied them from us. I think I exaggerate when I am showing her something. For example, when I lie down I do that big sigh "aaah, time for sleep". She now does it all the time. So cute.
  
• If I'm tickling her or blowing raspberries she will stop and go "more, more".
  
• Last week she decided that she wanted to eat all her meals at the big table so she got her little portable chair and put it on a dining room chair. It is still a little bit low for her, but she sits there quite happily.
  
• Charlotte is still being so kind when I am sick and rubbing my back, and if we say we have a sore spot she rubs it and goes "ow, ow".
  

I'm sure there is so much more that she is doing. One thing she does do when we have asked her to do something she doesn't want to is go "noo" and put her hands over her eyes, as though that will stop it happening! Ha, good luck child!

Here are some recent photos:
Enjoying licking the beaters from one of mummies cakes. She knows exactly what that means when I get them out, and loves to lick it!
I love this shot, so cheeky!


Making sure dolly gets cleaned up for her nappy change!

Scan photos

Here are some pictures from our scan!


This one is looking down from above. You can see the
arms and hands.
One of the 3D ones. You can see the cord across the tummy, the arms are up near the nose. It's a cute nose too!
Turned onto it's side, one leg tucked up. I think it looks like a little teddy bear. The sonographer said that bubs was really snug against the uterus wall and was fast asleep so it was a bit hard getting decent pics. But they all look like aliens at this stage anyway!

A long week

I can't believe it has been just over a week since we saw our OB. It feels like a month has passed, so much has happened. I had to reread my last post about feeling good so I remember that I did feel good, as right now I feel like I'm living in a pool of quicksand. But it's not morning sickness this time! Last Saturday we were off to the doctors for James. After a few weeks of working late late nights he had overdone it and came down with a cold and sinus infection. He spent a few days being miserable and promptly gave it to Charlotte and me.

We have had a week of sleepless nights with Charlotte coughing and crying half the night. By Wednesday she was alot better and I was hoping that once she was in daycare I could rest and get better too. Since I had been running on less than 6 hours of broken sleep for over 2 weeks I needed some sleep! But I wasn't getting better at all and saw my GP on Friday who gave me some antibiotics for a bronchitis like infection. More pills. I'm starting to feel a little bit better now - I couldn't believe how exhausted I have been. Just walking is an effort, and I've been having alot of high bp's and tachycardia's which is a little distressing. But on the plus the ms has kept at bay and I am now down to 35mg. I notice that on the days I drop down a dose I will have a vomit but otherwise I'm coping.

But the week wasn't all about being sick. Earlier in the week we saw our bank and refinanced the mortgage. It was actually so much easier than we thought and happened so quickly. We then had the money to buy a new (used) car! So we took one for a test drive and then talked numbers with the dealer. We were happy with that, so they said "do you want to take it home now?". We were floored. We left behind our old car, a $100 deposit, and took home a shiny 3yr old station wagon! I was surprised at how emotionally exhausting that afternoon was. And earlier that day our hot water system finally blew up so we had to make a few quick calls to get a new one in. Thank goodness I had done all that research months ago about them so it wasn't too hard. We only had one day without hot water.

And then the next day we had the nuchal fold scan. I wasn't as anxious about this one as I was with Charlotte although it helped that we had seen bubs just 4 days before. It all went well. The risk factors for downs was approximately 1/3000 and the others were heaps better for the other conditions. Bubs was measuring smack on dates and growing well although was sleepy during the scan and not so active. The sonographer couldn't see any new bleeds which is a huge relief too.

So it has been a huge week for us. Both James and I feel quite overwhelmed at the moment. I think he needs a bit of a break from work and I know I need some time off from feeling crap. Sadly I have had to let things like housework just go so the place is a real pigsty and neither of us feel up to doing anything about it. But I know it's not important. Right now I can feel bubba doing little kicks and flutters - I think it likes shortbread biscuits! tee hee

Before I forget what it feels like

Last night I cut down the dose of prednisone by 5mg. After seeing Sile I am so so paranoid now about it's side effects that I am willing to get off it asap, even if that means the ms coming back with a vengeance. This last week has been great. I haven't vomited or retched in a week now. I have about an hour or so in the morning where I feel really nauseous and have nearly run to the toilet a few times, but have been able to hold it in. I then feel a bit off until lunch, bone crushingly exhausted in the afternoon, and fine by dinner. Sitting here right now I actually feel really really good. Alot of my cravings for salt and junk have decreased and I am starting to want to eat healthier again. Given that the ms really started about the 4 week mark, it has been just over 2 months of daily vomiting and retching.

I actually imagine that this is what alot of pregnant women feel like when they talk about morning sickness and being a bit queasy. I've heard women say that they have ms but can cope with it because they know it's all worth it. Well feeling like I do now, I can see how you would feel that. But when you are dealing with the level of ms I had before, it feels like you are in a living hell. It is hard to even think about the positive outcome you will have when every secon is spent thinking about vomiting and just getting through the day.

So I wrote this post to remind myself that I have felt good at some point this pregnancy! With Charlotte I was still really sick at 24 weeks and still vomiting at least once a week until the end. I completely expected this pregnancy to be the same. I just really hope that by weaning off the prednisone I don't go backwards, but I also want to be off the steroids!

Our crazy Irish doctor

Today we went to see our OB, Sile for the first time. I just love her, she is a crazy Irish lady. The care she gave us with Charlotte was wonderful and I know she will do the same again.

We had another scan straight up and saw bubs wriggling away. It even waved at us which was lovely. But she could see another bleed under the placenta. Sile couldn't tell if the placenta was sitting low or not though so I guess we will see that at the nuchal fold scan next week. The heart beat was 149.

We talked about medications and she thinks I should stay on the cyklopropan until about week 16, finish off the pessaries I've got but go to one a day, and stay on the metformin probably for the whole pregnancy. She wasn't too happy about the dose of prednisone I was on and thought it may even be contributing to the bleeds which has got me a little bit upset. So she gave me a script for zofran and wants me to wean off it. Sile also said that I should be taking it 4 times a day rather than all at once so I will start doing that today. I guess this is the differences between doctors. Warren assured me it was safe to take but I guess he is the IVF expert, and my OB is the baby expert. I haven't vomited in nearlya week though so it has been such a blessing.

She has also put me back onto digoxin which is a heart medication as I am getting a few tachycardia's. When I mentioned it she just gave me a look - I think I'm going to be trouble. And she wasn't too happy with my BP. It was 130/70 which is pretty good for me but Sile really is a stickler for low bp, low blood sugars etc. She has told me before about a patient of hers who stroked out literally in front of her with a bp of 150/100 and I think once she has seen it happen to one person, she knows it can happen to others.

So I asked about work and James said that he doesn't want me to go back, and she said I should be listening to him. She was actually prepared to write me a medical certificate but I don't need it, so I guess she was serious. I'm not on bed rest or anything, but I think she wants me to take it easy.

Then we talked about whether I have a c/s or a VBAC (vaginal birth after caesarean). I said I wasn't sure at which she said we could see how I go but she wouldn't induce me or speed up labour. She then went on to say that she has seen some VBAC's go horribly wrong, and the consequences were horrific. As soon as she said that I was happy to go with the c/s. She then went on to say that baby's are too precious at which I have to agree. I know that some people can go through VBAC's ok, and she even said that, but for every dozen that are fine that one that goes wrong undoes all the good. And knowing my luck, things will go wrong!

So it was actually quite a full on appointment. I got a bit teary at one point. Sile was trying to reassure me that at this point it is unlikely that things will go wrong, at which point I mentioned my sister. I know things can go wrong. So I think she understands where I'm coming from.

But it was a good appointment. We were there for a quite a while and she has made me feel like we are in good hands. Our next appointment is in 4 weeks barring any issues!

12 weeks today

I can hardly believe it but I am 12 weeks today. Phew, we made it to that momentous milestone. As far as I know, bubba is still hanging in there. The bleeding finally stopped Sunday night but I'm still feeling pretty anxious. Every twinge and pain makes me stop and think. And of course every time I go to the loo I'm checking for that horrible colour.

But, at 12 weeks I think I'm on top of the morning sickness. I've had 3 days now where I've felt like I would be sick, but haven't. No retching, no vomiting, just a few deep breaths. This is just so wonderful! I did up the prednisone to 50mg so that is obviously the magic number. I'm still feeling outright exhausted but I'm wondering how much of that is the stress of the last few weeks.

I'm also wondering if I am feeling movement. I've had a few flutters that don't feel at all like gas and the other night I definitely felt a little flutter. I've also well and truly popped out. The books tell me that the uterus is now sitting above the pelvis so that isn't helping I'm sure. I bought my first pair of maternity pants last weekend which was such a relief - so much more comfortable.

I'm still taking it easy and am looking forward to seeing my OB on Thursday. I have so many questions: will I keep bleeding, do I need to keep resting, can I work, or do exercise. Then I want to know what drugs to stop/stay on. Not to mention all the other issues I'm starting to experience such as the tachycardia's (I had them with Charlotte and was on medication for it).

But last night I took my last progesterone and oestrogen tablets. What a milestone. I've been taking hormones now for over 4 months. I'm still on the pessaries but only 2 a day. The end of the IVF journey is in sight, now we just have to fight to keep this bubba!

Two words you don't want to hear

Two words you don't want to hear - Threatened Miscarriage. After the bleeding stopped Thursday, it started up again on Thursday night. I still didn't have any cramping but I did have a heavy feeling. James and I contemplated going up to the hospital but decided to wait until morning and go and see Warren.

After a restless night, I woke at 6am and called Warren who said to come in straight away. So we all quickly got showered, breakfasted and dressed and were out the door by 6:30 am. I was pretty impressed with that.

He did another scan, and there is bubba, wriggling away. But right next to it you could quite clearly see where the bleed was. Warren said that it was on the edge of the placenta but not the placenta itself. He also thought that the placenta was sitting quite low so I might have placenta praevia but wasn't really sure. He thought that the bleeding had mostly stopped for the time being.

Warren did say that he thought we would be ok, but I guess there are no guarantees in anything. He prescribed another drug that is not commonly used and is an anti-fibrinolytic which is supposed to stop the bleeding. He assured me it is safe to take, and I trust him, but it is one more drug to add to the already large cocktail. He also thinks I should be on bed rest but said I could do my last day at work since it was an office day. He didn't think picking up Charlotte was causing it, he really didn't know what was.

So I went to work and finished up all of my discharges and charts. I felt really bad as my manager wanted to extend my locum again and I had to say no. I feel like I've let him down and the team down as they are so desperately short staffed. But I was glad to finish and by the end of the day had wished that I had stayed away as when I got home there was more bleeding.

It seems to have slowed now - just that yucky brownish blood but I am still so anxious. James has been wonderful but I know he is so stressed too. I'm not on strict bed rest, just not supposed to go out of the house but I'm a bit too anxious to do much other than lie on the couch. And on top of that Charlotte has a mild (at the moment) case of conjunctivitis!

I managed to move my OB appointment up to this coming Thursday so I am looking forward to seeing her and talking about what we need to do now. I will let her advise me on whether I go back to work or not, and what drugs I stay on, although Warren said I can stop the progesterone and oestrogen tablets (I run out on Sunday) but to stay on the pessaries for a while. I guess we will have a quiet few days around here! Hopefully!

More bleeding

Why can't I just have a boring simple ordinary pregnancy? Today I had more bleeding - alot more. It started again during the night and was very heavy. Strangely though I felt quite calm. I took a half a Valium right away which probably helped. The bleeding lasted all night but by morning had eased, and by mid morning was that pinky/browny colour.

So I finally took everyone's advice and took the day off work. This is a huge deal for me - because I see clinical clients I feel so obligated to do my job. But I had my sister's words ringing in my ears "is it worth the risk" and today, it wasn't. I also considered calling Warren and going in for another scan, but honestly, the thought of going all the way into the city and seeing him just seemed more stressful. I haven't had any cramping, and the bleeding has eased off. I have to hope that it was just another artery popping. And even if it isn't, there is absolutely nothing he can do about it.

So I have had a quiet day. I still vomited this morning which was reassuring although my MS has been alot less all day (I said it was getting better the other day, but I lied. I've had a terrible few days with it). So the rest has probably been good on many fronts. I took another half a Valium at lunch time and had a nice afternoon nap.

I will go into work tomorrow as it is my last day, but if my manager asks me to continue I think I will have to say no. At least not for another week until I've seen my OB and have a chat to her. I just don't know what is causing these bleeds - is it picking up Charlotte (all 14kg of her), the vomiting (which does cause a bit of pain), housework, or nothing at all?

But on a slightly good note, our cat had to have an abscess drained this week and the drain came out today. The sight of it had been making me so sick so now she just has a bit of a scar. We are all in the wars at the moment! Hopefully this is the last of the bad luck!

Not strong

So I spent a few days last week feeling a bit sad and sorry for myself. I'm feeling alot better now, and am wondering if I've turned a little bit of a corner with the morning sickness. But these last few days have had me reflecting on our IVF journey. Alot of people who know about our story often comment on how strong they think I am, and don't know how we do it. But I'm not, I'm not strong at all. I am stubborn though.

I also just go with the flow. When we were told our only option for a baby was IVF, then we just did it. Once you start the ball rolling you kind of just go with it. You are told when to take what drugs, when to have blood tests, when to have surgery. And so we just did it. I found that doing back to back cycles was the easiest thing as I didn't have to think about it. We just jumped back on the roller coaster and kept going.

On the surface, life goes on, but behind closed doors is another matter. When we were cycling I would often retreat into my world and not do much else but work and IVF appointments. There were times when my world felt like it was collapsing underneath me. And when we did finally get pregnant with Charlotte I felt quite disconnected from the pregnancy as it hardly felt real. I know it sounds silly, but it wasn't until we were waiting for the c-section that I really thought and realised we were having a baby. Up until that point it had all been about getting pregnant, staying pregnant and so on.

This time around I am feeling so much more excited about having another baby. Which is why I think the bleed the other day absolutely rocked me. I know that alot of people feel anxious in early pregnancy, and I also know that a miscarriage is devastating for anyone. But the thoughts going through my head were so much more than that. If we lose this pregnancy we can't just try again. And we have been through so much already.

So I'm not strong at all. I have periods where I get really angry. I get angry that we can't get pregnant naturally, that we have to do IVF. I get angry about how much it all costs us especially when our house is falling apart but we can't afford to fix it. I get angry at how the drugs make me feel. And now we are pregnant I still get angry at how hard pregnancy is for me. It doesn't seem fair that we have to go through so much to get pregnant and then I struggle everyday. Sometimes you feel like "what have I done to deserve this" which then makes you feel like you are a bad person and not worthwhile enough to even have a baby.

But as I said, I am feeling better again after the last few days. Infertility never leaves you, I will always carry around these feelings and experiences. Yes sometimes I do think that we have achieved a great thing by doing 8 IVF cycles and getting pregnant twice. And I have to give myself a kick up the bum as there are so many others who never achieve their dream of a baby, or who do have miscarriages, or any other of the many challenges life throws at us. We all have them, and I guess getting on with life is how we all are strong.

Some bleeding

Well I've had a rough day. I woke up at 4.30 for another pee stop and found some bleeding. I then freaked out, and spent the next few hours lying there crying. I just couldn't stop, and had so many negative thoughts in my head. I felt -empty - and just not pregnant.

So in the morning I called my specialist and got into see him. He was really good about it and did a scan and the bubs is looking ok. We saw it wiggling away and it even waved at us! But he can see where I've bled - I seem to be popping arteries in my uterus and so having small bleeds. He thinks I'll be fine, but advised me to take it easy, no "nookies" (his words), etc. He also prescribed me half a Valium as it relaxes the uterus. He reckons I could work and function with that but I took one this arvo and was instantly a zombie. He also recommended a glass of wine with dinner as it too relaxes the uterus. Goodo, I can take that medicine! Plus to increase the hormones I'm already on which means 4 pessaries a day. I really don't know if I can keep taking the Valium but I think he only wanted me to do it for a few days.

So I've had a sleep this arvo, James took Charlotte out for an outing so I had the place to myself. She wasn't sleeping at nap time and I just needed to sleep! I still feel like a basket case and can't seem to stop crying still. I'm supposed to go to work tomorrow even though my FS did suggest taking some time off, but I've only got two weeks left, and have clients booked in etc. (yes I know, after my last post, my manager offered me two more weeks which of course I accepted). I guess I'll just have to take it easy. I'm feeling pretty fragile emotionally. I haven't had any more bleeding since this morning but I think knowing that there was one is quite stressful.

I wish this was easier!

Two more days left

Tomorrow is my second last day of work. When I started, I knew that it was only for a few months, but I am shocked at how quickly it has come to and end and honestly it has taken me by surprise. The first few weeks were really quite hard as I found it mentally and physically tiring, but I have been getting into the swing of it the last few weeks. There is the possibility of a few more weeks here and there, but at the moment I am preparing for this week to be the last. It is hard to believe that we hadn't even started this latest cycle when I started back at work, and now I am 9 weeks pregnant.

One of the lovely things about being back at work has been reconnecting with work colleagues. It has been lovely to see the professional development of some of them. But in seeing that, I realise how static my skills are, and that is a little scary. These months have probably just kept me in touch but I really have to have a hard think now about the future and what it means for me professionally. I really didn't want to work with two children until they were at least in school but I just don't think I can afford to wait that long before returning to work.

I now have a bit of a conundrum in what to do with Charlotte. She has just settled into daycare so I don't want to pull her out, and of course with the possibility of more work it makes sense to leave her there for a while. However I don't think we can afford it for too much longer. But I am looking forward to having a few weeks where I have a few days to myself, especially while I'm still feeling under the weather. I have some big plans for things to do; finish a rocking horse I'm doing up for Charlotte, do some heavy duty cleaning that I can't do when she's around, and finish painting the upstairs of the house (something we said we would do before she was born and only got 3 rooms done).

So the next few weeks will prove to be quite interesting with lots of things to do, but first to finish this week up!

Wriggling feet

So today we went to see Warren for the last time. I was feeling quite anxious to have another scan, just that seed of doubt that something had happened is always there. But we had the scan and everything looks good. We saw the head, the cord, and the little feet were wriggling away. He then put the doppler on and we heard the heartbeat. I shed a little tear during all of this, I just felt so relieved and happy.

Warren did say that he could see some blood sitting outside of the placenta which was a bit of a worry to me, but he said was fine. I did have that spotting for the first few weeks and it could be from that. He did say to take it easy and "no nookie". Poor James, not that it has been happening anyway. I honestly have been too paranoid too even contemplate it.

So we now have our first appointment with our OB in 4 weeks. Warren did say we could go back and see him if we wanted to be before then. It will be nice not having to go and see anyone for a while, although it will be strange. I've had a scan every 2 weeks or more for the last 3 months so to go 4 weeks without any medical intervention is a bit scary. I am still to stay on all of the drugs until the 12 week mark then taper off, and of course I'm still on the prednisone. The MS is easing a bit, but still present every day. Warren also said that I'm not likely to have OHSS anymore, and that the bloating is likely to be wind.

We got a picture from the scan today so here it is:

The round blob is the head, the little bit up the top is the cord with the feet to the right of that.
And here is one with the heartbeat

Showing already

I am a little bit embarrassed to admit this but I am well and truly showing already. I felt like I have been since pretty much early on, but with the OHSS it was a bit difficult to know what was what. But now I really feel like I've got a bump sticking out. Part of me just feels really fat, but the bump is quite firm and I can't suck it in. Plus the scales say that I have lost 5 kg since I started my cycle which is nearly what I was down to before we started all of this again.

I had to go and buy a new pair of jeans the other week as my old ones just didn't fit. I got a larger size and they are too big around my legs and everywhere else except around my middle. I have had complete strangers ask when I'm due which is a bit embarrassing to say nearly 7 months away!

I guess it still could be some of the OHSS hanging around. By the end of the day it is definitely alot bigger and firmer, and who knows what all of those hormones are doing to me. On the one hand I feel a little embarrassed - I wasn't really showing with Charlotte until about 16 weeks and still in normal pants until about week 20. But I love having a bump. It makes me feel pregnant and I love that, not just sick.

Today is actually a good day for the MS. I had a humongous vomit this morning but then have only felt a bit queasy for the rest of the day. The last few days have been terrible. Sunday I was vomiting all morning then so wiped out, and Monday was similar. Of course I then worry that today is better because something has happened but anyway, these are the silly things my mind does.

8 weeks

So today I am 8 weeks pregnant! I thought I would keep track of how I am feeling since I didn't do this with Charlotte and I now can't remember a thing! I wish I could say that I'm feeling better, but I'm not.

The morning sickness is still quite debilitating. Yesterday was terrible. I couldn't stop vomiting in the morning, and then was so wiped all day. I didn't even feel better in the evening like I normally do. Today I only vomited the once, but retched half a dozen times or more. It is simply exhausting. I feel ok now which is good, but I have been such a dragon all day and poor James is really copping it. I'm still on 50mg of prednisone and I don't think I will drop it down just yet. At least I know that I'm not getting dehydrated as I'm still able to eat and drink by the end of the day but the exhaustion and lethargy is just taking it's toll.

In terms of other symptoms my boobs are quite sore and my hips are just aching. Bending down is really hard and walking any distance is nearly impossible. If I roll over in bed and don't keep my legs together then my hips make a lovely "pop" sound. I remember this with Charlotte and then it got better (before getting worse again) so I hope it improves. I'm also quite emotional and seem to cry at the drop of a hat, particularly at anything baby related.

My baby brain has kicked in too. I'm finding it difficult to read and process things, especially early in the day when I'm feeling sick and tired. Night time is tricky as I need to pee every 2 hours! Sometimes I get a bit of insomnia too although I think that is more from the prednisone. At least Charlotte has been having nice afternoon naps so I've been able to catch up on a bit of sleep.

Other than that we are plodding along. It does feel like time is going a bit faster than before which is great and of course running after Charlotte is keeping me busy. When I'm not feeling miserable, I do feel pretty happy! I would love to go back to the gym and I think need to force myself this week. They do aqua aerobics classes which I think would be great as I can't face pilates just yet. The next big event is another scan next week when we see Warren for the last time!

A heartbeat

We went in to see Warren today for another scan and we saw one little fluttering heartbeat. It is sitting quite high so Warren had some difficulty seeing it properly (and boy was he trying, man I am still sore) but he saw it clearly enough to say that it all looks ok at this stage. And there is only one that we can see - so no twins. I am so relieved that it is all looking ok, but there is just that little bit of me that is slightly disappointed it's not twins. One is good though and means we can have a normal (hopefully) pregnancy. Plus we saw twins at the airport on the way home from our trip and it did freak me a bit.

So the last few weeks have been a bit rough emotionally and physically. I'm still vomiting 2-3 times a day but by about dinner time I am feeling good and actually have an appetite. I've found that soft drinks do actually help ease it a little bit but unfortunately now Charlotte always wants "bubbles". Warren today said I can stay on the higher dose of prednisone if I feel like it. His words were that there is no point in being miserable, which is good to know. I know that sounds silly but I feel like there is real pressure to just suck it up. That being sick is a part of being pregnant, but really I find it so debilitating and depressing.

I've also felt really anxious these last few weeks that I would have a miscarriage or something. I know that that is still a possiblity but I am trying to let go of that fear. The fact that I am pregnant now is really a miracle and no matter what happens I need to embrace this moment and enjoy it. I've decided that I am going to treat myself and buy some nice maternity clothes when the time comes. With Charlotte I was so worried about money that I only bought the barest minimum and I felt like such a frump all the time. I think there is only one picture of me pregnant with her as I just didn't want to have any pictures taken but I want this time to be different! I think part of this too is that you fight so hard to be pregnant that when it happens it doesn't feel real at all and there is still that little bit of grief that it isn't a normal pregnancy. Most pregnant women don't take 37 tablets a day just to get to this point.

But now I can start thinking of happier things. Warren gave us a referral today to my OB and also for the nuchal fold scan. He did say that if we weren't going to terminate based on the results then there was no point in doing it, which I kinda agree with, but then there is the plus of seeing the baby again. It is hard as it isn't a cheap scan (I think last time it was $300 and medicare only gives you back about $60 or less). I do feel that it offers some reassurance though so...

We will go back to see Warren in two weeks for one last scan and then that's it - this current fertility roller coaster is over (well, nearly).

Hyperemesis Gravidarum

Hyperemesis Gravidarum is a condition in pregnancy where you vomit, lots. It appears that I have it- probably best not to read on if you are a bit squeamish.

So after struggling along for the last few weeks, I had decided on Sunday night to call my FS by Monday. I was struggling to do basic things like go for a walk as I was so tired and feeling sick. Monday morning started as usual and then the vomiting hit. I couldn't keep anything down so called Warren and was able to get in to see him early. I still thought that I had OHSS but he checked me out and thought that I didn't. He did do an ultrasound but couldn't see anything (boo) although I have a 12mm follicle on my ovary which he said would be causing the pain I'm having. He diagnosed hyperemesis gravidarum and as I was dehydrated sent me up to the day theatres for 4 litres of fluid plus some protein. He also prescribed 60mg of prednisone to take for the next 2 weeks then taper off if the nausea is manageable. So I went up to the theatres and stayed there for about 5 hours. The nurses were so wonderful, I felt like a bit of a fraud - I just had some vomiting!

But when I got home I did some Dr Googling and I just about cried. I always though HG was only for constant and severe vomiting but it can also just be constant and debilitating nausea - really anything that starts at 5 weeks of pregnancy as well is HG. I had all of this with Charlotte! I had 9 months of living hell with that pregnancy. My life consisted of getting up, vomiting, going to work, vomiting in the car on the way, maybe eating lunch, maybe not, vomiting in the afternoon (not all the time, if I didn't then I sat there thinking about vomiting), going home, forcing myself to eat something, then sleeping. It was a nightmare, and nothing helped it. Everyone told me to eat crackers, ginger, all sorts of things and it just didn't help. I lost about 3 kg in the first few months and only put on 10kg the whole pregnancy - and I think it would have been less except I tended to retch alot more than I actually vomited. I think because of this I thought I didn't have it that bad but what I've read about HG retching is considered just as bad. It certainly felt it for me as I still had to run to the toilet, my body still felt exhausted from the spasms. And I couldn't tell when a retch would be a true vomit. So I don't think I got really dehydrated but other than that, it was hell.

What I've read also mentioned that socially and psychologically HG can be quite debilitating, and I have to agree with that. I think I began to resent being pregnant and definitely couldn't enjoy it. It kept up until about 20 weeks, then slowly improved, but I still had nausea and retching every day and about once a week I would have a big vomit. I think from about 33-36 weeks I felt good, then it got bad again.

So I am so relieved that Warren has diagnosed me with HG now. Today I felt alot better, still nauseous all day and I retched twice this morning, and haven't really eaten much, but so much better than the last few weeks. I rang up this morning to get the repeat beta results and it was 1800 which is fantastic, so I think I am starting to think that this is real, and it will all be good!

We're pregnant

It's a BFP! I know I did all those POAS but by last night I was convinced that I wasn't, or that it was a chemical pregnancy. The beta was 548 (I think, or 580, I kinda stopped paying close attention when she said 'congratulations'). Warren said I could stop the clexane but keep up everything else but I think I might stay on it for one more week, just in case. I go back next week for another BT then if all is well, book in for the 6 week ultrasound! Yippee! James is very excited. I am still so anxious - I am getting that cramping that I got with Charlotte but it is very disconcerting. It feels like AF is coming RIGHT NOW which I hate. And the OHSS is still lingering as today I got so bloated it was just painful and I thought I might have to call my FS. But I will keep taking one day at a time.

Two days to go

Only two days to go until we have the official blood test. I did the last of the POAS today and yep, two lines are still there. It again came up straight away and after a while looked the same as the control. I am hardly letting myself think it could be true but James is walking around with a silly grin on his face. I would like to keep it a bit quiet but between the two of us I don't think that will happen.

I'm still feeling sick, and the morning vomit is now part of my routine. I actually haven't been feeling that bad for the rest of the day though which is good. If this turns out anything like the last time that won't last. I've been feeling a bit sore and bloated all day today so I guess the OHSS is still lingering. It can hang around for weeks I've been told, and it still has the potential to get worse. I am off to work early tomorrow tomorrow which I am actually dreading. It will be interesting to see if the nausea is worse when I can't just sit and relax. I had better have an early tonight, and go and do my injection. It makes it so much easier to jab yourself when you know it is all for a good cause!

Still there

I did another POAS yesterday afternoon and today. The lines came up straight away, although it is still fainter than the control. I can't tell if it is any lighter or darker than yesterday. So I'm pretty sure it isn't the pregnyl anymore, but I'm still not convinced that it means its worked. It is so frustrating this - if I were a normal fertile I would presume that 3 positive POASs, plus the nausea, vomiting, sore boobs, fatigue etc would mean that you are pregnant. But I just don't want to even think it just yet.
My OHSS is so much better today. My ovaries are still a little bit sore but I have hardly any bloating. I did vomit twice this morning though. Yesterday I ended up calling Warren and he said that if I was vomiting I should be in hospital. I said that I really didn't want to go in and would see how I feel today, and today it is better. It actually started to get better yesterday after I did the POAS so I wonder how much of it was psychosomatic - I wanted to have OHSS because it meant I might be pg. I know that sounds crazy but nothing about my life is quite sane right now. So of course today because it is better I am wondering if I have lost the pg, or that I have a chemical pregnancy. Grrrr this is so frustrating.

I will do another POAS tomorrow (it is the last one I have) and then see. If I am pg I just want to be able to relax and enjoy this pregnancy. I didn't with Charlotte as I was terrified that it wasn't real and that it would all end. Plus being so sick didn't help. Well here's hoping for a resolution one way or another.

Two lines

Ok, I know I shouldn't have done it, that is messes with your head, but we had one PG test sitting in the cupboard. It was a bit out of date but I was saving it for Wednesday. This morning I couldn't resist and did it. At first only the control came up and I felt that deflated feeling. But after a minute or two I started to make out the other line. And it's still there. It is faint, but definitely visible without squinting or imagining it to be there (I have done that, trust me). I don't know how to feel right now. It is possible that it is a false positive but it is nearly a week since the last pregnyl shot. It really is too early to test, but in that case I shouldn't have gotten any line at all! Oh dear. I really don't want to get my hopes up. Yesterday I had some spotting so I was riding that roller coaster of emotion yesterday - swinging between the thought that it was implantation bleeding back to AF was coming. And even if it is positive, alot can happen between now and whenever.

I'm also still confused about the OHSS. James is getting annoyed at me as I keep dithering on whether to call Warren or not. I know that he will probably put me in hospital and I don't want to go. I don't feel like I'm severe enough although I do feel really dehydrated which is a concern. Of course if I am PG it could keep getting worse so I do have to watch it. I just don't know what to do. Right now I feel ok, a little bloated, sore and nauseous but not too bad.

So now we wait and see.

More downs than ups

It has been a long physically and emotionally draining week. We had a quiet weekend last week, none of us were feeling that great. Which was leading up to Sunday night. James woke up around midnight with vomiting. Then after being up with him, it hit me at 3am. By 6 when Charlotte woke up we were both still being sick, and I could hardly stand. That was one of the longest mornings of my life, trying to take care of her when both James and I could hardly take care of ourselves. We did put a plea for help on facebook to see if someone could come and help but sadly no one replied. I know that no-one wants to come near a gastro, and the people that I know would have come had work or babies so I didn't want them near here. But still it hurt. I so very rarely ask for help and the one time that I do we didn't get any takers.

Anyway, by the end of the day we were managing ok although still sick. I called the clinic the next day as I was worried what all that sickness might do to the embryo's and the nurse reassured me that I should be fine. So Tuesday night I did the pregnyl shot. Big mistake. The OHSS symptoms have been getting progressively worse since then. Tonight I look about 6 months pregnant with bloating, and I'm starting to get quite a bit of pain. But what concerns me most is dehydration. I am so thirsty, and can't seem to drink enough. I don't feel bad enough tonight to go to the hospital, and I don't know whether to call Warren tomorrow or not. I know that he will just tell me to go the hospital. The trouble is that by morning the bloating subsides, and I feel better. But then it gets worse over the course of the day. Everything I've read says that OHSS can get better on its own, so I am a bit confused about what to do right now.

On top of all of this Charlotte has just been such a pain. She has been so whingy, chucking tantrums and being naughty (like drawing on the walls!). When I am feeling so emotional right now it makes it really hard to see why I am putting myself through this torture. I also had a bad day at work on Friday with just trivial things like paperwork and work cars so I had a cry at work which is just embarrassing. I'm sure Charlotte is just picking up on our stress. On Monday morning when James was changing her nappy he began puking everywhere and she started to scream in fear. And everytime I puked she started to cry. We kept saying that mummy and daddy were sick and after a while she began to pat our tummies as though she was saying "there there". Thankfully she didn't come down with it although tonight she did a huge post dinner puke so I spent ages cleaning up vomit from the couch and the floor.

So James and I are so so tired now. I only hope that things improve this week as I don't know how much more I can take.

UTDTPO!

We are UTDTPO (up the duff till proven otherwise!). I have been a bit late in writing this but I'm still not feeling fantastic. We made it to ET on Thursday and were so anxious. Last time I was feeling good at this point only to be told all the embryo's were bad. This time the scientist walked in and said "its good news!". Two of the embies were quite advanced and at the morula stage, one was an 8 cell compacting (nearly a morula) one was only a 4 cell and probably wouldn't make it and the other had stopped growing. But 2 good ones is fantastic plus one to freeze!!
Warren then came in and did his whole routine (I have to say ahh etc when the speculum goes in, sing a song and goodness knows what else). It's a good thing I was high on Valium! I spent the rest of the day sleeping as Charlotte was at daycare which was such a blessing. Although I still felt groggy by the time we picked her up. And she had had a good day at daycare without much tears at all which was such a relief!

So now I begin the TWW. I am getting a few OHSS symptoms so I don't think I will do the pregnyl shot this evening since it was that which tipped me over last time. I am already symptom spotting - this morning I was changing Charlotte's nappy when I puked everywhere. I'm sure it is too early for MS but it still makes me think. All three of us seem a bit run down with a cold at the moment so I think it was just that. Plus all the tablets still make me sick. I am literally on 20 tablets a day, 3 pessaries, and 1 needle and am finding it a bit overwhelming. Still, only 2 weeks left!

Sore and swollen

I am sore and swollen today after EPU yesterday. I guess it went as well as can be expected. My FS was running late though so I was getting quite anxious before I even went in. Then when I was lying on the table while they were putting the cannula in, I started to cry. I just didn't want to do it, and I don't want to do it anymore. This is a big thing to feel like this. I know I have said a few times that it would be the last time but I guess I didn't really feel it in my heart. Well now I do.
I fell asleep really quickly and before you know it I was in recovery. At first the pain wasn't too bad, about a 2 or 3 out of 10. But then it got worse quite quickly. I couldn't help myself and I was soon in tears. The nursing staff were good though and kept giving me some pain relief until it was under control. It didn't help that my BP was up to 170/100. It is always a good way to freak nurses out that.
Warren came to see me while I was a bit teary. He said it went well and we had gotten 15 eggs. I've learnt from past experiences not to be too excited about that, more concerned about OHSS. They hung some albumin just in case. I spent quite a bit longer in recovery than normal due to the pain and my BP and I just wasn't feeling good. The nurses kept saying how pale I was. I finally got up about 3 hours later and James was waiting in recovery for me with a lovely bunch of flowers. Pity I was feeling too sick to really care, but they are lovely today!
So after alot of rest I am starting to feel a little bit better. Still very sore and last night wasn't very pleasant. I had some endone left over from my c/s so I guiltily took that and it was a blessing! I can feel that bloated feeling from my ovaries so I hope that that goes down, and I still feel quite sick and groggy.
I called the clinic this morning and from the 15 eggs, 9 were fertilised and we now have 5 embryo's. I just hope and pray that by ET we still have at least 2 (but preferably 5) that are viable.
I'm trying not to think about what is to come and what may happen. I just want to get through one day at a time now and wait until Thursday for ET.

Growing slowly

I went in for another scan today at the bright and early time of 6am. So far things are looking good. I have about 12 follies measuring 15mm. So it looks like we are all set for EPU on Monday. Warren has been slowly increasing my dose so I am now back to 100 iu but now that I have the 12 follies my risk of OHSS is alot lower (hopefully). I go back on Saturday for one last scan, then Saturday night is the trigger.

I have been feeling ok physically, quite tired, a bit nauseous. But the last few days I have just felt a bit teary and emotional. There has been alot of baby talk around me and most of the time I am ok with it, but not right now. It just serves to remind me of all that we may never have. And once again I have seen how insensitive people are about infertility. Sure I get that, unless you have been through this you really can't comprehend how much it rules your life, but some comments still hurt.

I know I shouldn't be complaining, that I have so much to be grateful for. I read and post on quite a few forums and there are so many more people who are doing it harder than me. People who have been through so many more cycles, have lost babies, or who are facing the end of their journeys without ever having realised their dream of a baby. But for me, today is a hard day.

Thanks for the advice

A recent conversation with a casual acquaintance in the park:

Her: Your little one is quite active isn't she?

Me: Yep, she sure is, keeps me on my toes.

Her: My first was like that. You know what she needs?

Me: Nope, dance lessons?

Her: A little brother or sister. Having the second so close was such a good thing, it really helped her having a sibling to play with. Such a good idea to have them close and not delay them.

Me: Really? That's a good idea (but in my head - Really, thanks for that bit of advice, I will be sure to go and impregnate myself tonight because you think it is a good idea. Oh hang on, lets go ring my fertility specialist and tell him that you think I should get pregnant. I'm sure he would agree that after 5 years and 8 cycles it will just happen because you say so).

Her: Have a nice day.

Me: You too. idiot.

Day 6

Day 6 of the cycle has rolled around very quickly. As usual it was an early start to see Warren. Everything is looking fine so we are good to start on the FSH. I picked up the drugs and did my first jab this evening. Tomorrow I start on the clexane too which I'm not looking forward to. I have been feeling a bit sick with the metformin but Warren is still keen to keep me on it. And of course I paid that big huge chunk of money today.

My main side effect at the moment is fatigue - I am just so so tired. With Charlotte not sleeping well at night I keep trying for an afternoon nap, but she sometimes doesn't want to nap then either. Except for yesterday, when she had a nice 2.5 hour nap. Which would have been good if I hadn't of been off having a mammogram. Those lumps are still there and were bothering me so I wanted to get some further tests. But I finally have some piece of mind now. The mammogram wasn't painful at all, but they did want to do an ultrasound to confirm the results. I had to smile a little when the radiographer walked in and he was quite good looking. If you are going to have your boobs out and flashing at everyone it helps that they are a bit cute!! Strangely I didn't feel at all awkward the whole hour that I was being poked, prodded, squashed and squished. Probably because compared to IVF treatment, this was nothing. So the good news is I do have lots of little cysts that are quite benign, and the sore lumpy part is actually glandular tissue that can get inflamed with hormones. What a relief. I wish the radiographer who did the US back in January had said that as I would have stopped worrying then.

So we go back to see Warren on Sunday for day 10 and then we should know when EPU will be. I really should have an early night tonight as I have to go to work and at least pretend to be a functional human being.

18 months old!

Today Charlotte is 18 months old. She is growing so much, and turning into a real little person. I know I say it often, but time has flown by. I can't believe that only 18 months ago I was lying in a hospital bed, marvelling at this creature that had appeared. Then we had the struggles with feeding, and sleeping, but she was always so perfect. I loved to look at her eyelashes when I was feeding her. They were so fine and tiny and yet so perfect. I can't describe the depth of feeling that I have for her today. Every time I look at Charlotte I think how beautiful she is, and wonder how we created this angel.

Pity she isn't angelic all the time though. She is also mischievous and cheeky. Her latest trick is to push her little chair wherever she wants to get to and then either climb up or reach for what she wants. We have already moved everything off the hall table, and are trying to keep the kitchen bench clear. Today there has been a bit of time in the naughty corner as we have had to try and stop her grabbing things off the kitchen bench (like glasses, knives, hot pots). We are also still not sleeping. We had been able to wean her off the dummy, but with the start of daycare we have gone back to using it. Her bottom molars are coming through which certainly isn't helping with the sleeping.

I measured Charlotte this evening and she is 84 cm tall, and weighs 13.2 kg. She is wearing size 1/2 clothes and today we went up a nappy size. She has 10 teeth and is currently working on her bottom molars.

This last week it feels like a switch has been turned on and her language and skills have exploded. In addition to the chair pushing, she has started to do imaginative play. Yesterday she patted a baby doll, put it to bed, gave it a dummy and tucked it in. So cute to watch. She can now also say baby, as well as dummy, no, me, more, door, bird, truck, grape (I think), cat, ummm (I'm counting that as a word), see ya as well as a few more I can't quite remember. We are definitely seeing a new word everyday which is very exciting.

Charlotte's emotional development is also changing rapidly. She has become a bit of a hugger, and likes to give us hugs. She will pat your back at the same time. If I say "I love you" to her she will come and give me a kiss, and I swear once she said I love you back. This week at mothers group I saw a whole new dimension to her. The girls were playing up the corridor and I called them back. Charlotte looked at them, then walked over and put her arm around one of them as if to walk them back where they should be. I was so touched, and I hope shows that she will be concerned for others.

In only a few months Charlotte will be turning 2. We have so much to look forward to with her, and I can't wait.

A big week

this last week has gone so fast. We had a busy week with something on everyday. I find weeks like this tiring, but I know that since I'll be starting work this week it is only going to get worse.

Of course the week felt a bit more tiring and emotional because Charlotte started at daycare on Friday. James dropped her off as that is what our normal routine will be. Plus I didn't think I could hold it together. He said that she seemed fine when he left and was wondering around the playroom. The rest of the day went so quickly. I thought that I would get so much done and be able to have a nice nap - none of which happened.

When we went to pick her up she was sitting in the corner (with a carer) and some of the other children - sobbing. As soon as she saw me she reached out to be picked up and didn’t want to be let go. They said that she had been fine for most of the day but had cried (been inconsolable) at nap time, and had been upset most of the afternoon. It broke my heart. I now feel like the worst parent in the world and am really questioning this decision to return to work. Everyone keeps telling me it gets easier on her and me. And I do think she will like it. She had sand all over her so at one point she must have been happy to play in the sandpit. Unfortunately since then she has been really clingy and always wanting to be around me. She had what I think was a nightmare last night and was so distressed for about an hour before we could get her to calm down. I really do hope it gets easier.

However Friday wasn't just a big day because of that, we also saw Warren. We talked about doing another cycle and the realities of that. Warren is normally really upbeat, but on this occasion he seemed to bring us down. He did give us the option of not doing another cycle, and expressed how much he understood that this hurts on so many levels - financially, emotionally, physically. Ironically, he said that his daughter is having infertility issues at the moment and her husband doesn't want to do IVF. I think this really hurts him, and as horrible as it sounds, it is nice to have someone who gets it.

So we talked through the last cycle and he said that he doesn't know if it is an egg problem or a sperm problem. Interestingly, James results were better than any other time with 80% morphology which has upgraded the sample to "medium". The count is still shit though at 5 million. He thought we might eventually get a BFP, but that could take one cycle, or 20. He was encouraging but not optimistic. So I had a bit of a cry in his office and have been teary all day. He did do an ultrasound and I still have cysts on my ovaries. He thought about "golfballing" them, I've never heard of that, (basically popping and draining all of them I think) but he thinks they are not quite that bad yet. I am relieved at that as a Lap would just be so painful and I don't think I could deal with it just yet.

So I have started on the synarel. The protocol will be similar to last time but only 80 iu of puregon (which is very low). Along with all the vitamins (folic acid, zinc, fish oil, beroccas and also cardiprin), from day one I will be on prednisone, and then when I start the FSH I will also have a clexane injection. yuck. I am still taking the metformin but he wants me to try the slow release one and up the dose.

I am actually feeling ok at the moment about it all. I think because we know that the chances are so slim then we just have to try, and see what happens. Of course that won't stop me being optimistic and hopeful, and devastated if it doesn't work. So I guess we hold on tight and roll with it!