Not strong

So I spent a few days last week feeling a bit sad and sorry for myself. I'm feeling alot better now, and am wondering if I've turned a little bit of a corner with the morning sickness. But these last few days have had me reflecting on our IVF journey. Alot of people who know about our story often comment on how strong they think I am, and don't know how we do it. But I'm not, I'm not strong at all. I am stubborn though.

I also just go with the flow. When we were told our only option for a baby was IVF, then we just did it. Once you start the ball rolling you kind of just go with it. You are told when to take what drugs, when to have blood tests, when to have surgery. And so we just did it. I found that doing back to back cycles was the easiest thing as I didn't have to think about it. We just jumped back on the roller coaster and kept going.

On the surface, life goes on, but behind closed doors is another matter. When we were cycling I would often retreat into my world and not do much else but work and IVF appointments. There were times when my world felt like it was collapsing underneath me. And when we did finally get pregnant with Charlotte I felt quite disconnected from the pregnancy as it hardly felt real. I know it sounds silly, but it wasn't until we were waiting for the c-section that I really thought and realised we were having a baby. Up until that point it had all been about getting pregnant, staying pregnant and so on.

This time around I am feeling so much more excited about having another baby. Which is why I think the bleed the other day absolutely rocked me. I know that alot of people feel anxious in early pregnancy, and I also know that a miscarriage is devastating for anyone. But the thoughts going through my head were so much more than that. If we lose this pregnancy we can't just try again. And we have been through so much already.

So I'm not strong at all. I have periods where I get really angry. I get angry that we can't get pregnant naturally, that we have to do IVF. I get angry about how much it all costs us especially when our house is falling apart but we can't afford to fix it. I get angry at how the drugs make me feel. And now we are pregnant I still get angry at how hard pregnancy is for me. It doesn't seem fair that we have to go through so much to get pregnant and then I struggle everyday. Sometimes you feel like "what have I done to deserve this" which then makes you feel like you are a bad person and not worthwhile enough to even have a baby.

But as I said, I am feeling better again after the last few days. Infertility never leaves you, I will always carry around these feelings and experiences. Yes sometimes I do think that we have achieved a great thing by doing 8 IVF cycles and getting pregnant twice. And I have to give myself a kick up the bum as there are so many others who never achieve their dream of a baby, or who do have miscarriages, or any other of the many challenges life throws at us. We all have them, and I guess getting on with life is how we all are strong.