Tuesday, July 12, 2011

12 months on

This day, 12 months ago, Angus was growing in a dish on the other side of town. He was about 4 cells big. Of course we didn't know he was a he, or even that we would have him. But we had that hope and excitement. I meant to write a post yesterday, at 11am to be precise as that is about the time that James DNA was combined with mine (but I forgot, tee hee). Today he his a beautiful chubby (sort of) little boy. At his last weigh in he was 5.6 kg which is still a bit on the small side but he is gaining well. I find myself frequently doing this, comparing where we were a year ago to where we are today and I always find the difference staggering.

So today I have my beautiful family. James and I just celebrated our 12 wedding anniversary. We had a lovely day out at Queen's park. Someone mentioned to us that they hoped we got some alone time. But I was happy to spend it as a family as that really is what getting married was about for us - creating a family in whatever form that takes. Charlotte is thriving and really is a delight despite her strong personality. Unfortunately today I am strongly remembering what it felt like 12 months ago as last night I had a vertigo attack and still feel very dizzy today. If it keeps up I think I will have to see an ENT although there isn't that much they can do (I think it may be meniere's disease which runs in the family). It possibly is a good thing I feel sick as it does remind me that I can't do another pregnancy and feel this sick for 9 months straight. Oh well, bring on tomorrow.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

The scar that won't fade

This week has been a little bit tough and emotional.I keep feeling that I should be able to move on from the trials of the last few years. Or even that I have moved on. We have two beautiful children, the infertility rollercoaster is behind us. But it isn't. It has formed a scar that simply won't fade.

I realised that this week when a friend made a comment. I hear comments made about pregnancy and babies all the time and usually it takes alot to get me upset. However this comment touched me very deeply and has left me doing alot of soul searching. I won't say exactly what the comment was as that is really irrelevant. Suffice to say it was along the lines of putting themselves first before the baby's needs. And her words took that scar and ripped it right open.

I spent alot of time thinking about what we've been through. I would have done anything to get pregnant and the physical and emotional pain we've experienced is testimony to that. I shudder sometimes to think of how many needles I stuck in me, how many really nasty drugs I took. Every EPU was a painful experience as I got OHHS each time such that once I couldn't walk or stand up due to the pain and another time I needed rehydration. I developed a phobia about having cannula's inserted. I have a scar on my stomach from the laparoscopy that hurts when I rub it. But all of that pales in significance compared to that gut wrenching feeling when you hear "sorry, not this time".

I feel bad that I can't let these feelings go. But maybe I shouldn't. It was a large part of our life, and I'm stronger because of it. I know my relationship with James is stronger (if we can survive that, we can survive anything). And despite all that pain, we have two beautiful children.

I'm also feeling sad at the moment that we can't have any more children. As time passes, I am forgetting that it was 9 months of torture. I had to re-read this blog to remind myself that it really was that hard (and I actually didn't write how bad it really was sometimes). James is adamant that we won't try again. And my OB was pretty clear at my last visit that future pregnancies are not a good idea.

I need to move on but I'm not sure how. I know that writing this blog is very cathartic for me and if by some chance there is someone out there who has felt better for reading this, then great. I just want to be able to hear people talking about babies and future children and not feel that twinge of sadness. I am definitely trying to savour every minute of my children's lives (even with the challenges of Charlotte's toddler stage). I know that all of this is hard for people to understand, particularly if they haven't been through fertility treatment. So if you are reading this, please know that the scars don't ever go away, and I'm not being judgemental, but sometimes there are words and comments that still hurt.