Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Day 6

Day 6 of the cycle has rolled around very quickly. As usual it was an early start to see Warren. Everything is looking fine so we are good to start on the FSH. I picked up the drugs and did my first jab this evening. Tomorrow I start on the clexane too which I'm not looking forward to. I have been feeling a bit sick with the metformin but Warren is still keen to keep me on it. And of course I paid that big huge chunk of money today.

My main side effect at the moment is fatigue - I am just so so tired. With Charlotte not sleeping well at night I keep trying for an afternoon nap, but she sometimes doesn't want to nap then either. Except for yesterday, when she had a nice 2.5 hour nap. Which would have been good if I hadn't of been off having a mammogram. Those lumps are still there and were bothering me so I wanted to get some further tests. But I finally have some piece of mind now. The mammogram wasn't painful at all, but they did want to do an ultrasound to confirm the results. I had to smile a little when the radiographer walked in and he was quite good looking. If you are going to have your boobs out and flashing at everyone it helps that they are a bit cute!! Strangely I didn't feel at all awkward the whole hour that I was being poked, prodded, squashed and squished. Probably because compared to IVF treatment, this was nothing. So the good news is I do have lots of little cysts that are quite benign, and the sore lumpy part is actually glandular tissue that can get inflamed with hormones. What a relief. I wish the radiographer who did the US back in January had said that as I would have stopped worrying then.

So we go back to see Warren on Sunday for day 10 and then we should know when EPU will be. I really should have an early night tonight as I have to go to work and at least pretend to be a functional human being.

18 months old!

Today Charlotte is 18 months old. She is growing so much, and turning into a real little person. I know I say it often, but time has flown by. I can't believe that only 18 months ago I was lying in a hospital bed, marvelling at this creature that had appeared. Then we had the struggles with feeding, and sleeping, but she was always so perfect. I loved to look at her eyelashes when I was feeding her. They were so fine and tiny and yet so perfect. I can't describe the depth of feeling that I have for her today. Every time I look at Charlotte I think how beautiful she is, and wonder how we created this angel.

Pity she isn't angelic all the time though. She is also mischievous and cheeky. Her latest trick is to push her little chair wherever she wants to get to and then either climb up or reach for what she wants. We have already moved everything off the hall table, and are trying to keep the kitchen bench clear. Today there has been a bit of time in the naughty corner as we have had to try and stop her grabbing things off the kitchen bench (like glasses, knives, hot pots). We are also still not sleeping. We had been able to wean her off the dummy, but with the start of daycare we have gone back to using it. Her bottom molars are coming through which certainly isn't helping with the sleeping.

I measured Charlotte this evening and she is 84 cm tall, and weighs 13.2 kg. She is wearing size 1/2 clothes and today we went up a nappy size. She has 10 teeth and is currently working on her bottom molars.

This last week it feels like a switch has been turned on and her language and skills have exploded. In addition to the chair pushing, she has started to do imaginative play. Yesterday she patted a baby doll, put it to bed, gave it a dummy and tucked it in. So cute to watch. She can now also say baby, as well as dummy, no, me, more, door, bird, truck, grape (I think), cat, ummm (I'm counting that as a word), see ya as well as a few more I can't quite remember. We are definitely seeing a new word everyday which is very exciting.

Charlotte's emotional development is also changing rapidly. She has become a bit of a hugger, and likes to give us hugs. She will pat your back at the same time. If I say "I love you" to her she will come and give me a kiss, and I swear once she said I love you back. This week at mothers group I saw a whole new dimension to her. The girls were playing up the corridor and I called them back. Charlotte looked at them, then walked over and put her arm around one of them as if to walk them back where they should be. I was so touched, and I hope shows that she will be concerned for others.

In only a few months Charlotte will be turning 2. We have so much to look forward to with her, and I can't wait.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

A big week

this last week has gone so fast. We had a busy week with something on everyday. I find weeks like this tiring, but I know that since I'll be starting work this week it is only going to get worse.

Of course the week felt a bit more tiring and emotional because Charlotte started at daycare on Friday. James dropped her off as that is what our normal routine will be. Plus I didn't think I could hold it together. He said that she seemed fine when he left and was wondering around the playroom. The rest of the day went so quickly. I thought that I would get so much done and be able to have a nice nap - none of which happened.

When we went to pick her up she was sitting in the corner (with a carer) and some of the other children - sobbing. As soon as she saw me she reached out to be picked up and didn’t want to be let go. They said that she had been fine for most of the day but had cried (been inconsolable) at nap time, and had been upset most of the afternoon. It broke my heart. I now feel like the worst parent in the world and am really questioning this decision to return to work. Everyone keeps telling me it gets easier on her and me. And I do think she will like it. She had sand all over her so at one point she must have been happy to play in the sandpit. Unfortunately since then she has been really clingy and always wanting to be around me. She had what I think was a nightmare last night and was so distressed for about an hour before we could get her to calm down. I really do hope it gets easier.

However Friday wasn't just a big day because of that, we also saw Warren. We talked about doing another cycle and the realities of that. Warren is normally really upbeat, but on this occasion he seemed to bring us down. He did give us the option of not doing another cycle, and expressed how much he understood that this hurts on so many levels - financially, emotionally, physically. Ironically, he said that his daughter is having infertility issues at the moment and her husband doesn't want to do IVF. I think this really hurts him, and as horrible as it sounds, it is nice to have someone who gets it.

So we talked through the last cycle and he said that he doesn't know if it is an egg problem or a sperm problem. Interestingly, James results were better than any other time with 80% morphology which has upgraded the sample to "medium". The count is still shit though at 5 million. He thought we might eventually get a BFP, but that could take one cycle, or 20. He was encouraging but not optimistic. So I had a bit of a cry in his office and have been teary all day. He did do an ultrasound and I still have cysts on my ovaries. He thought about "golfballing" them, I've never heard of that, (basically popping and draining all of them I think) but he thinks they are not quite that bad yet. I am relieved at that as a Lap would just be so painful and I don't think I could deal with it just yet.

So I have started on the synarel. The protocol will be similar to last time but only 80 iu of puregon (which is very low). Along with all the vitamins (folic acid, zinc, fish oil, beroccas and also cardiprin), from day one I will be on prednisone, and then when I start the FSH I will also have a clexane injection. yuck. I am still taking the metformin but he wants me to try the slow release one and up the dose.

I am actually feeling ok at the moment about it all. I think because we know that the chances are so slim then we just have to try, and see what happens. Of course that won't stop me being optimistic and hopeful, and devastated if it doesn't work. So I guess we hold on tight and roll with it!

Friday, June 11, 2010

Hi ho, hi ho....'s off to work I go. I can't believe I'm saying that. I had made the decision to be a stay at home mum, and I was (mostly) ok with that. Then on Tuesday my old manager called and said that they had some locum work for a few months, and was I interested. I immediately said yes. Eeeeeep! I then had a bit of a freak out. I had a talk with James and concluded that it probably was a good thing. We really do need the money now (we definitely have to replace our hot water system) and it might be good for me to get out of the house. Plus I need to keep my skills up.
So I rang the daycare down the road and they have places available. I went down that afternoon to have a look at it and I felt pretty comfortable with it. They do lovely things like keep a scrapbook of pictures, drawings etc that your child does for you to keep. If if Charlotte did something exciting, the would email a picture to you there and then. I love that. Charlotte had a bit of a run around outside as it was play time and she loved it. So I think she will do well there. It was really easy for me to organise the government stuff through centrelink (10 minutes on the phone) so by Wednesday she was enrolled for 2 days a week.
I also had a huge stress-out about this coming IVF cycle. I felt that we should delay it as I really didn't want to work and do IVF again. But delaying it doesn't work out with dates for James work and conferences etc so we are just going to go ahead as planned, I just don't want to tell many people at work about it just yet. I feel really bad about this. I did 5 cycles while at my work place and most people knew about it. Which was good as I was SUCH A BITCH, although I blame the hormones. I hope that by only being there 2 days a week I can minimise the impact on everybody there as they are just the nicest, sweetest group of people you can meet.
I am still unsure if I am doing the right thing. I keep watching Charlotte and thinking that I am going to be a bad mum for leaving her at daycare. But I know that is silly, and really the staff there are better trained at looking after kids than me. I am trying to think that this is just 2 days where she can practice skills like painting, and playing and so on, not really day care.
Charlotte starts next Friday, but I won't start until next week. We are seeing Warren next Friday so I thought it would be good to put her in then. That way I can do some household things (like sort out my old work clothes), go see Warren, have a nice lunch with James, and then have A NAP! I feel slightly guilty but the thought of having an uninterrupted nap is heaven; it makes me want to cry.
So bring on a busy few weeks. I start on the synarel next Wednesday as I will be day 20 then. I rang Warrens secretary to see if we could get in sooner to see him but we can't, but she recommended just taking it anyway. It is pretty easy to stop it if needed. So off to work I go!

Saturday, June 5, 2010

So tired

I realised that it has been quite a few weeks since I last posted. That is largely because I am SO tired. A few days after Charlotte got all better, I started to feel run down. Of course I pushed on, as you do, and after a few days with a sore throat I looked at it in the mirror. It was covered in white pus which was oozing out of the side. I sat down and cried. It's stupid how you just push yourself and keep going when you know you should rest. So off to the doctors for me who confirmed tonsillitis. Her actual response was "ewww that looks disgusting".
I felt like crap for a few days, ok I still feel like crap. I'm just so tired and my glands are still swollen. It doesn't help that Charlotte STILL isn't sleeping well. We took the dummy off her so there should be no reason for her to wake but she still does at 1 am, or 3, or her latest trick is 5am. I actually think she may have outgrown her nappy size as she has leaked the last few nights so we put a bigger nappy on her tonight and it fits! That is really annoying since we just bought a big box in the old size.
And our poor cat got an abscess last week so we had to take her to the vets, and she is now on antibiotics too! Sheesh. The whole house is run down. Needless to say our healthy living month was a flop. Even though I was eating a lot better, I still only lost 1kg. I am so bummed about this, I now weigh more than I ever have before (except when I was pregnant) and just feel horrid. We go to see Warren in 2 weeks and I know he will make some comment about it. But at least AF is now back on track so the metformin has done it's thing.
Otherwise, things are pretty normal around here. I'm starting to get anxious about money again with the next cycle looming. We have a few house issues that we need to sort (I think our hot water system is leaking, the fence is rotting, and the roof still isn't fixed) so we will need to prioritise those. If only we could get some sleep. I am at that point where I would give anything to go away for a night and sleep all on my own. But it's not going to happen, so I had better just go to bed now.

Here are a few recent pics of our angel:
Helping mummy clean up after baking a cake. Yummy (ok so thats why I'm not losing weight....)