Nevertheless, I do wish for an easier 2013. I say most years that I don't do New Years Resolutions. However, the start of a new calender year does make a convenient time to revisit goals, and make plans for the months ahead. So here are my not quite resolutions for the coming year:
- Get off the dex: Over the last month, I have managed to drop my dex dose down to 1mg. I am really happy about this, but it has been tough. The nausea, fatigue and dizzy spells have been very taxing. But I managed, and at a time when we have been particularly busy too. The dex has been a bit of a mental crutch for me (I feel that without it my brain will swell, that I can't cope and so on) but now that I feel more stable I need to do without it. The side effects are terrible. I feel like the old woman who swallowed a fly in that I am taking medication after medication to combat the side effects. Also I need to discover what I am like without the dex as I don't know what my symptoms are following the radiation. In the first week of January I will drop down another dose, with the hope that I will be completely off it by the end of February.
- Lose some weight: 10 kg to be specific. Which is alot. I have been blaming the dex for this weight gain, and it has played a large part. However I can't blame the dex for what I put in my mouth. I've still been managing to go to the gym once or twice a week so I need to increase that slightly. Strangely, I am having urges to start running. In the past I have only ever run to catch transport, or to chase children. However last week I hopped onto the treadmill and spent 5 minutes running (ok, ambulating along at a slightly higher speed than walking is a more accurate description) and I felt ok. Until I stopped, then blobby went a bit spacko and let me know he didn't like it. So I might not do the treadmill again, but I might consider going for a jog. I think I like that I can set a clear goal (eg. run 5km) and work towards that. Irrespective, I need to focus on eating healthy and moving more.
- Go back to work: I have been talking about this for such a long time. Being an OT is so important to me, it is part of my identity. As much as I have enjoyed not being at work, I need that mental stimulation as well as that sense of satisfaction that being part of the workforce gives one. Not to mention the finances desperately need a boost! However returning to work scares me. I don't want to do it until I am off the dex. And I am still so tired at the moment that I worry I wouldn't cope. And then there is the daunting part of actually finding a new job. But I hope that by March I will be medication free, feeling stronger, and looking for work.
- Be more present for friends: I feel that I have let a lot of our friends down this year. I have spent so long worrying about myself that I haven't been there for others. And for this I am sorry. So next year there will be more playdates, more catchups and messages sent!
So whatever may have happened in 2012, I hope that you can look forward to what may come in the New Year!