Monday, March 21, 2011

Nearly done

We are nearly there. I can't believe it. We have spent the last few days talking to Charlotte about how she is going to be a big sister soon and that Mummy is going back into the hospital to have the baby. She seems to understand but I guess she can't really until she sees me with her little brother. Tonight when we tucked her into bed I got all teary - she isn't going to be my little baby anymore.

So I think I'm prepared for the c/s. I do feel alot better about it than with Charlotte but that is to be expected - I've had a bit more time to prepare. Although I am very concerned how I will go with the anaesthetic as last time was a nightmare. The last few days have been hard. I caught a cold off Charlotte and have been feeling quite sick. I am worried how I will cope with two. The renovations are going well but STILL aren't done (very nearly but still). They definitely won't be done before I go off to hospital which is very disappointing. So we set the cot up in our room which is probably better anyway. So many things to worry about but overall I am feeling quite calm.

So I can't believe we are at this point; nearly done. All the drugs, the needles, the agonising waiting and watching, waiting for things to go wrong, and waiting for our bubba to arrive. Our family is nearly complete and our IVF journey is nearly over.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Full term

I'm 37 weeks today. That's full term. Who would have thought 10 months ago that I would be here. I am now counting down the days which are going sooooo sloooow. When I look back the time is going fast but each day seems slow, and I feel a bit stressed too. It doesn't help that Charlotte has been sick which always worries me.

And the excitement about the renovations has passed. They started last week and made really great progress in a few days. The new wall and window went in, the other walls got knocked down. Fantastic. Then that was it. We need to wait for the plasterer, the cabinet guy, the painter. We have decided that we won't have time to tile the floor so it is going to have to stay as it is for the moment. I'm hoping that we will be able to move James desk in by bubbas arrival but I am preparing myself for an unfinished room. This really bothers my sense of order especially since bubba has NOTHING organised for him. The cot isn't set up, all his clothes are just in bags in our room. It isn't how I wanted things to be. But we will get there, and he won't remember where he spent the first few weeks of his life.

So let the countdown commence!

Monday, March 7, 2011

A big decision made

This pregnancy thing is hard, really hard. And I can't do it anymore. This is a huge decision for me. James has said a number of times that he doesn't want any more children. Not because he doesn't want more, but because he doesn't want to see me go through this again. And I've finally started to agree with him. The cost to our family is huge.

We actually brought this up with my OB at the last visit. If we aren't going to have any more children, we need to think about birth control. That sounds so stupid to me to say as we haven't worried about that for many many years. But knowing my luck, I will be one of those rare creatures who naturally gets pregnant after years of IVF. I did ask about having my tubes tied during the cesarean, but the hospital won't do it (a Catholic private hospital upholding good ole catholic values). And I also think my OB wasn't that keen to take that route "just in case". She did however seem to think that the decision to stop at 2 children was a wise idea. She didn't outright say it, but insinuated that future pregnancies are going to be harder, more risk etc. and I would be highly likely to end up in hospital again.

So we need to consider some options but will wait until bubba comes. I don't want to use any hormonal contraception which pretty much rules everything out. James has offered to go and get the snip but we'll wait and see. We could take our chances, but I know that I would spend every month thinking about it.

This is such a huge decision. I know that I need to think about it now as that weird biological coping strategy of wiping your memory clean will make me think that I can do a pregnancy again in a few months time. When realistically I can't. I have already made the decision that we won't do anymore IVF treatments. However we still have the embryo frozen that we have to consider. That is another step we need to take, and that decision will be alot harder to make.

So no more children for us. I am becoming more at peace with it, simply because I feel so crap every single day. But when you have been through so much to have just 2 children, to make that final decision is really hard. I did want 3 children, but not at the cost of our family, and potentially my health. I am however starting to look forward to a life without living with infertility. We have been dealing with this for nearly 6 years and quite frankly I don't know myself without the shadow of infertility. I'm looking forward to planning things without worrying about saving for a cycle, or how it will impact us. And we have so much to look forward to - family holidays, special occasions, school, sports, ballet lessons, so many things. And we will just have to do it as a family of 4.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Bubba has a birthdate!

Sorry I've been a bit slack posting this, I am still finding it hard to sit up and do things like typing.

We saw the specialist and my OB last week and the big news is we booked the cesarean. So bubba will be born .... it's a secret! Tee hee. But I will be around 38 weeks so really if you have been following me for a while you could work it out. So that is less than 3 weeks. eep. My OB did a quick scan and bubs is looking an ok size. Sile said she could refer me for a growth scan if I wanted but I am happy to wait and see. She wasn't worried about his size and even thought he might be a good size (on the ultrasound she could see a nice layer of fat on the other side of his spine which means he is fattening up nicely). I was a little concerned about his size since I'm still not really putting on weight.

Other than that things are looking ok. I'm still feeling very faint and dizzy, especially in the mornings. I find it nearly impossible to do anything but crawl back to bed and sleep. I keep trying to tell myself that this is ok, that I am technically on bed rest so I should just rest, but I still feel really frustrated at times. Sile did make it clear that she wanted me to keep resting so.... I've decided that we will leave Charlotte in daycare next week then put her back to her normal 2 days after that. That works out well anyway as the renovations are going to start next week! Finally. There is so much to do now, I'm hoping that this means time will go quickly too.