A big week

this last week has gone so fast. We had a busy week with something on everyday. I find weeks like this tiring, but I know that since I'll be starting work this week it is only going to get worse.

Of course the week felt a bit more tiring and emotional because Charlotte started at daycare on Friday. James dropped her off as that is what our normal routine will be. Plus I didn't think I could hold it together. He said that she seemed fine when he left and was wondering around the playroom. The rest of the day went so quickly. I thought that I would get so much done and be able to have a nice nap - none of which happened.

When we went to pick her up she was sitting in the corner (with a carer) and some of the other children - sobbing. As soon as she saw me she reached out to be picked up and didn’t want to be let go. They said that she had been fine for most of the day but had cried (been inconsolable) at nap time, and had been upset most of the afternoon. It broke my heart. I now feel like the worst parent in the world and am really questioning this decision to return to work. Everyone keeps telling me it gets easier on her and me. And I do think she will like it. She had sand all over her so at one point she must have been happy to play in the sandpit. Unfortunately since then she has been really clingy and always wanting to be around me. She had what I think was a nightmare last night and was so distressed for about an hour before we could get her to calm down. I really do hope it gets easier.

However Friday wasn't just a big day because of that, we also saw Warren. We talked about doing another cycle and the realities of that. Warren is normally really upbeat, but on this occasion he seemed to bring us down. He did give us the option of not doing another cycle, and expressed how much he understood that this hurts on so many levels - financially, emotionally, physically. Ironically, he said that his daughter is having infertility issues at the moment and her husband doesn't want to do IVF. I think this really hurts him, and as horrible as it sounds, it is nice to have someone who gets it.

So we talked through the last cycle and he said that he doesn't know if it is an egg problem or a sperm problem. Interestingly, James results were better than any other time with 80% morphology which has upgraded the sample to "medium". The count is still shit though at 5 million. He thought we might eventually get a BFP, but that could take one cycle, or 20. He was encouraging but not optimistic. So I had a bit of a cry in his office and have been teary all day. He did do an ultrasound and I still have cysts on my ovaries. He thought about "golfballing" them, I've never heard of that, (basically popping and draining all of them I think) but he thinks they are not quite that bad yet. I am relieved at that as a Lap would just be so painful and I don't think I could deal with it just yet.

So I have started on the synarel. The protocol will be similar to last time but only 80 iu of puregon (which is very low). Along with all the vitamins (folic acid, zinc, fish oil, beroccas and also cardiprin), from day one I will be on prednisone, and then when I start the FSH I will also have a clexane injection. yuck. I am still taking the metformin but he wants me to try the slow release one and up the dose.

I am actually feeling ok at the moment about it all. I think because we know that the chances are so slim then we just have to try, and see what happens. Of course that won't stop me being optimistic and hopeful, and devastated if it doesn't work. So I guess we hold on tight and roll with it!