A heartbeat

We went in to see Warren today for another scan and we saw one little fluttering heartbeat. It is sitting quite high so Warren had some difficulty seeing it properly (and boy was he trying, man I am still sore) but he saw it clearly enough to say that it all looks ok at this stage. And there is only one that we can see - so no twins. I am so relieved that it is all looking ok, but there is just that little bit of me that is slightly disappointed it's not twins. One is good though and means we can have a normal (hopefully) pregnancy. Plus we saw twins at the airport on the way home from our trip and it did freak me a bit.

So the last few weeks have been a bit rough emotionally and physically. I'm still vomiting 2-3 times a day but by about dinner time I am feeling good and actually have an appetite. I've found that soft drinks do actually help ease it a little bit but unfortunately now Charlotte always wants "bubbles". Warren today said I can stay on the higher dose of prednisone if I feel like it. His words were that there is no point in being miserable, which is good to know. I know that sounds silly but I feel like there is real pressure to just suck it up. That being sick is a part of being pregnant, but really I find it so debilitating and depressing.

I've also felt really anxious these last few weeks that I would have a miscarriage or something. I know that that is still a possiblity but I am trying to let go of that fear. The fact that I am pregnant now is really a miracle and no matter what happens I need to embrace this moment and enjoy it. I've decided that I am going to treat myself and buy some nice maternity clothes when the time comes. With Charlotte I was so worried about money that I only bought the barest minimum and I felt like such a frump all the time. I think there is only one picture of me pregnant with her as I just didn't want to have any pictures taken but I want this time to be different! I think part of this too is that you fight so hard to be pregnant that when it happens it doesn't feel real at all and there is still that little bit of grief that it isn't a normal pregnancy. Most pregnant women don't take 37 tablets a day just to get to this point.

But now I can start thinking of happier things. Warren gave us a referral today to my OB and also for the nuchal fold scan. He did say that if we weren't going to terminate based on the results then there was no point in doing it, which I kinda agree with, but then there is the plus of seeing the baby again. It is hard as it isn't a cheap scan (I think last time it was $300 and medicare only gives you back about $60 or less). I do feel that it offers some reassurance though so...

We will go back to see Warren in two weeks for one last scan and then that's it - this current fertility roller coaster is over (well, nearly).