Anxious

I am blaming it on the hormones, but I can cry at the drop of a hat. Anything sets me off. The huggies ads on tv, a tv show, a memory of a tv show, looking at babies, talking about babies, my gosh just about anything.

Yesterday I had a massive meltdown. I have been feeling really anxious about bubba. I've been getting some kicks, but not that many, and so I have been worried that something might be wrong. Last night I just lost it and cried and cried. I don't think James understood and he kinda made it worse (although I can't explain how). I wish I could stop worrying.

Yesterday was a stressful day though. We went and got a money box for my nephew and got it engraved. This was for D, and it has been nearly a year that he passed away. I have been thinking alot about it and finding this really hard. Getting the money box has just made it more real that he isn't here. When we bought it, I just about started sobbing in the jewellery store, I'm sure the shop assistant thought I was weird. I'm not sure if my sister will like it, or if it is the right thing to do, but it feels right to me.

Also worrying me yesterday was Charlotte. She had been running high temps all week but the last few days it had come down. Saturday morning she was holding her ear and saying "owie". After a few hours at the shops she was lethargic, and had a fever. We knew she was really sick when we stopped at a big fish tank and she hardly even batted an eyelid (normally she loves the fish tank, and says "bubbles, bubbles!"). We were very lucky and managed to see a doctor quite quickly, by which time she had a temp of 39 and only wanted cuddles (not like her at all). Surely enough she has an ear infection so is now on antibiotics. We walked out of there and I nearly started crying!

So sick babies, stillbirths, and worse are on my mind at the moment. No wonder I had a meltdown last night! I've also been doing a bit of reading about IVF and anxiety. I knew that IVF mothers can be more anxious but I actually found some articles which were quite clear that we can be more anxious throughout pregnancy and those first few months. We can also have difficulties connecting with the pregnancy as it doesn't seem real after everything we have gone through. I found this blog site (which is also a book) and she puts it better here:
http://invitrofertilitygoddess.com/2007/05/11/ivf-pregnancy-is-it-a-worry/

Of course after worrying that bubba wasn't moving, today it has been more active. Unfortunately I've also been feeling quite sick the last few days and actually vomited yesterday for the first time in weeks. But at least my pill count is down. I'm down to 7mg of prednisone which is great. All up I'm taking 10 pills a day (and 2 of those are vitamins) which is just wonderful. I keep looking at them thinking I'm missing something.

But this week we have the morphology scan, and yes we will be finding out the gender. We have had enough surprises! This will also be the longest we have gone without seeing or hearing bubba, so that probably isn't helping my anxiety at all. So I can't wait until Thursday!