Friday, February 18, 2011

The emotional side

I know I often speak of how I'm feeling, but I don't often reveal the true emotional side of things I'm going through. For various reasons, mostly I feel too embarrassed to admit how I'm feeling. But I thought I would write down what I have been feeling these last few weeks.

Before I went into hospital, I simply wasn't coping. I was starting to think I should see someone to talk about having depression as I just couldn't see a way out of feeling bad. When I saw Sile the day she admitted me I could cry at the drop of a hat. When she said "would you fight me if I admitted you?" I immediately said no. I knew I needed help of some kind. Even that day in hospital the admitting nurse made me cry just by asking about my history. At that point she said she would get the OT to come and have a chat with me (not an "ordinary" OT, one trained in prenatal care apparently. I had a giggle at that as she didn't know I was an OT). I didn't mind as I knew I wasn't coping. I simply couldn't imagine another day feeling like this let alone a few weeks. I felt like I had fought long and hard to have this baby, but there simply wasn't any more fight left in me.

Thankfully the physical symptoms eased and I began to think clearer. It really was like a fog had been lifted. Before I hadn't been able to make decisions, or deal with anything out of the ordinary. When I saw the OT we spoke for over an hour. It was towards the end that something she said really clicked with me. I was upset that I couldn't take care of Charlotte and was being a bad mother. That James was having to step up and he wasn't coping with me being in. The OT said that I needed to give myself "permission". Permission to be in hospital, permission to cook this baby as best I can, permission to let Charlotte watch cartoons, let the house go, not go out if I don't want to. Also permission to acknowledge that we haven't had an easy road to be here and that it is ok to be upset at that.

This was a huge relief for me to have something I could hang on to. Yes I needed permission to rest, to take it easy and ask others for help. As soon as I started to think along those lines the stress of being in hospital eased and I could focus on getting better.

Now I am home I am still struggling with this concept of just resting. I feel that there is so much to do but I also know that rest is so important to me and the baby. I am starting to feel better in the last few days which is dangerous as I think I can overdo it. I need to keep remembering that I have permission to not do anything if I want!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Catch up

Well it has been a while since I last posted, and this is the first time I've been able to sit and write.

I think on my last post I wrote how I wasn't really coping too well. Well two weeks ago I saw my specialist for a regular checkup. He called my OB who then admitted me to hospital. There wasn't anything obvious. I was just tired, dizzy, nauseous and feeling very faint. I had lost 2 kg in the last two weeks which isn't good either. So initially I was admitted for exhaustion. After a few days in, I had had lots of sleep, but the dizziness was still there. My OB thought I might have a labyrinthitis -
Basically its an inner ear disorder that may be caused by a virus, a family history, or the pregnancy itself. I was put on stemetil for the dizziness and zofran for the nausea. She wouldnt' say when I could go home, it really depended on how I coped.

Over a week later she finally let me out on the proviso that we put Charlotte into full time care; which we were able to do pretty easily. So I'm been home for nearly a week, and have been struggling a little. I have good days and bad, and emotionally it is hard. I keep hoping it is a virus and will go away but I'm not really getting any better. And the other night I had a reaction to the stemetil where I had uncontrollable shaking so I've now stopped it. Of course that coincided with Charlotte being really sick and vomiting several times in the night so it was a pretty miserable night.

So now I just take one day at a time. I find that everything is blurry alot and it is hard to focus on anything, which is why it has taken me so long to post this. But the nausea has reduced significantly which is one blessing.

In other news, we are finally going ahead with the renovations which is exciting. They should be starting in the next week or two. So all we need to do now is tidy up, set up bubs room, pick a name, pack a hospital bag, get him some clothes..... only a few things!