Things you don't want to hear

From the minute you announce you are getting married, people ask when you are having kids. Then when you have one, people ask when the next one is coming. We have had our first "when is the next one coming?" question since finding out that really, there may not be a next one. It was just a casual acquaintance, so we did the polite mumble, "oh we will wait and see" but the person then came back with some other comments about when the best time is. I really do believe that honesty is always the best policy, so we then said that we probably can't have any more. Proving to me that honesty is best, the person then admitted that they too were having difficulties trying to conceive. I think it was a relief for her to be able to admit it to someone else, as I have always found it to be.
The conversation came up again at a BBQ we were at this weekend, and the well meaning responses from people always hurt. So I thought I would write down the things that I hate to hear, just in case it helps someone else when you just don't know what to say.

• "Just relax and it will happen". Yeah right. Firstly how am I supposed to relax when every minute of every day you think about babies, or needles, or drugs, or feel so drugged out you don't know if you are Arthur or Martha. Secondly, relaxing is NOT going to change James dodgy sperm, the damage was done long ago. Nor will it fix pcos, or endometriosis, or any other condition that can cause infertility.
• "I had a friend who stopped IVF and got pregnant straight away". I hate this one. I personally have never met these "friends" who get pregnant. And even if I did, on one level it doesn't surprise me. I have so many drugs swirling through my body that I imagine the next few months I might ovulate more, or be more likely to sustain implantation. Depending on the cause of the infertility, some of the drugs can cure it (eg. endometriosis, the cure is the pregnancy hormone so a course of IVF can fix it). There are an awful lot more people out there who stopped IVF and DIDN'T get pregnant than do
• "At least you have one child". Yes I do, and I can't tell you how grateful I am. She is a true miracle, I love her more than words can say. But that doesn't mean that my heart doesn't ache for another baby. I wouldn't love Charlotte less just because we were able to have another. I get so angry at this comment because I am not standing at the foot of anyone's bed saying "well you have had one now, better make sure you use birth control and be grateful".
• "I believe that things happen for a reason". Good on you. This is a hard one, because I guess on one level I do too. But that doesn't mean that what we are dealing with isn't painful, and we shouldn't try to do everything we can to make having a baby a reality. Imagine if you had cancer; you would seek appropriate treatment rather than sitting there thinking that it was happening for a reason. I think that people might become a bit embarrassed by the topic and try to sweep it under the carpet. This seems like a nice comment to express sympathy but to me, it dismisses the real grief that we feel.

So what can you say? Sometimes nothing at all is ok. Or "I know a friend who went through that and it was hard on them, I imagine it must be hard for you too". I don't mind if you ask questions, I find that most people are taken aback by the process and really have no comprehension about what is involved. Which is fine, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but perhaps if people understood it better, there would be less need for people to hide the fact that they are infertile.