3 days to go

Only 3 more days to go until this hell I am going through can stop. I did a POAS today, which was stupid I know. Of course it was negative. Usually I get a false positive from them because of the drugs, but a negative is pretty clear. Then you start doing things in your head like "I tested too early, the levels might still rise". I guess I must still be holding on to that tiny hope that one of the embryo's took. I am still analysing every body sign, thinking could that twinge be implantation, or that cramp be AF coming? I have that niggly crampy pain just like AF, but is also caused by the progesterone. I had it with Charlotte until about 14 weeks, so I spent that whole time thinking I was having a miscarriage. I can't wait until BT on Friday, then I can stop taking these horrible drugs and just get on with life.
Of course that dull ache in my heart won't go away, and is there every day. I know that what I am going through is minor to some of the trials that others face, and sadly I know too many friends who have had miscarriages, ectopic's, or worse. But for me, right now, it hurts. Some of our friends have been wonderful though, and we got some lovely flowers, and a card and a book from another friend. I don't think I deserve any of that though but it did bring a smile to my face.
But I feel better about being around Charlotte now. In fact I have become very clingy in that I want to be around her alot. We have been having naps together in the afternoon which is lovely (well she naps, I lie there). She has been so cute lately. We have started to all have dinner together which has helped her fussy eating. We just let her feed herself, even though that is super messy. Last night we had pasta, and she would pick up a piece, then purse her lips like she was blowing on it to cool it down. Then she would grab a piece of paper towel we had near her, put it to her nose and "blow" or at least make a "bluuuuugh" sound, then gently put the paper towel down. It was hilarious. It does help to get through every day if I can focus on her.