I can hardly type this as the tears keep flowing, I haven't really been able to stop all day. When we got into the theatre today for ET we met with the scientist. She said that the one embryo that had grown too fast had slowed down, but that the 3 others had stopped. They don't like them to grow too fast or too slow. I am still a bit confused by exactly what condition they are in, but basically they are not good quality at all. I got the impression that they hadn't yet died, but were on their way. Warren walked in at that point and confirmed that they weren't good, and said that we basically have an egg quality issue. He said that we could wait until Saturday to see if they made it to day 5 blastocysts, but didn't recommend that (most of the stuff I have seen about that is not encouraging). He then went on to say that we could try putting them back, but then we would have to talk about our options which could be continuing to try and hope for a good egg or look at egg donation. So we did the transfer, with me crying all the way through, and now just wait. I am not hopeful, nor is Warren, but we have to wait and ride out the next two weeks.
I am gutted. Not only have we just wasted nearly $8k, but all the physical pain of the last few weeks has been for nothing, and we may never have another baby. I don't know how I feel about egg donation/adoption and think that would be a hard road to go down - if not prohibitively expensive.
I know that I should be so grateful for Charlotte - given all this she really is a miracle - but today I could hardly look at her. It is just a reminder of all that we will never have. And she misses out on so much too - the joy of a sibling, being part of a big family. I never wanted her to be an only child.
And I am just so angry at the unfairness of it. I don't know what I've done wrong to piss off the world, but in terms of baby making, I didn't leave it too late, I am not hideously overweight or eat that bad (ok not great, but not that bad), I haven't put my career ahead of a family. And we have worked so hard to save money to pay for all of this. I sacrifice so much and it is for nothing. I haven't had a haircut in over 6 months so I can save money, hardly ever buy new clothes for me OR for Charlotte or anything nice. It is just not fair.
I'm am sure that I will feel better tomorrow, and I will keep doing all of the drugs just in case. But right now all I can feel is heartbreak.
I hope you're feeling better today.You shouldn't be gutted, perhaps a little disappointed at most, but really you should be happy. You beat the odds with 6 rounds of IVF and ended up with a healthy daughter and family - there are about a million reasons to be happy. You even got to try again - more than what most get.
ReplyDeleteThe money doesn't matter, you got to spend it on what you wanted and the pain is temporary and your choice, but as for having children and families - unfortunately nothing is certain and you're not the one in control - you only get to influence things a little. Don't let your dreams and desires set your expectations - life and families don't work like that. The only thing Charlotte has missed out on is some love and attention when you couldn't look at her - go do some finger painting or something else with her to make her day! The most important thing you have is time with her.