Sunday, May 16, 2010

What a week

Charlotte has had her second bout of illness. I know how lucky I am that at 16 months we have only had 2 real illnesses, but gee whiz this week has been hard. It started last Tuesday when she woke up from her nap with a fever of 38.6. I gave her some pandaol and we had a quiet afternoon on the couch. She seemed fine after that so I hoped that was it, until she woke up at 3am screaming with a temp of 39 degrees. She then promptly threw up everywhere. We went to the docs in the morning who said that it was just a virus but to keep an eye on her.

Viruses scare me. My brother had "just a virus" when he was about 8 I think and spent 2 weeks in hospital. My mum was talking about it the other day (I have been on the phone to her almost every day) and I can't imagine how scary it must have been for her. And then when I was in year 12 Mum herself came down with "just a virus" which affected her heart and nearly killed her. She was in intensive care for a while and was transferred to Brisbane so it was a pretty stressful time for us all. Thankfully we have had "just a virus" here, but I have been worried all week.

Charlotte had a temperature between 38 and 39 for 3 days with a bit more vomiting and also some diarrhoea. She has been so clingy as well and I have spent most of my time the last few days sitting on the couch with her. At one point she was literally holding on to me, I couldn't walk away from her. Saturday she seemed a bit better but then she developed a rash all over her. So I panicked a little, and we took her off to the doctors again, who said that it was still just a virus, but that it might be a few more days before it has run it's course.

I am still worried about her today. The temps have finally gone, but she is still very upset. Just then she was screaming and very distressed but wanting to go upstairs. I let her, and she went straight to her cot so I put her down and she is now asleep. She NEVER does this. We've also had terrible sleepless nights while she crys and then wakes up with an explosive diarrhoea. Speaking of which, I had better go and put out my umpteenth load of washing. I know this is part of life, but it sure is one part of parenting that they never prepare you for (the worrying part, the washing part is part and parcel!)

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Bye Bye Baby

Ok, I will finally admit it, I no longer have a baby, I have a toddler. The turning point for me was just yesterday. We have bought Charlotte a little table and chair set for her to sit at. She adores it, and has been sitting there with her crayons trying to draw. So it was when I was walking down the stairs and caught sight of her sitting at the table that I realised she really isn't a baby anymore. But I guess she will always be my baby. I am feeling such love for her at the moment. My heart just swells with joy when I look at her. A new thing Charlotte has been doing is giving hugs. She has never been much of a hugger and suddenly she wants to give us hugs all of the time. I am loving it.
We had a lovely Mothers Day. Charlotte did sleep in until 7 which was nice then James cooked a lovely breakfast. After wishing my own mum a happy Mothers Day we headed off to Ikea. I can't explain my fascination with this place. I love the layout, and all of the rooms setup. What they sell just seems thoughtful and useful. And I LOVE going to the cafe. It reminds me of when we were in Rome and after seeing the Vatican went to the cafe there. The wide selection of food was just mind boggling and then to top it off - they sold wine in a popper! If only Ikea did that, I would be in seventh heaven.
Life feels like it is going ok at the moment. I have been on the metformin for a week now with hardly any side effects. And after the first week of our "healthy living month" I have lost one kg. You could say that it is a diet, but I don't believe in dieting. You either eat healthy foods, or you don't. Lately it's been more unhealthy foods than healthy so we are just cutting them out and cutting back portion sizes. Unfortunately I had mothers group at my house today so I HAD to make morning tea. I baked oat biscuits, home made sausage rolls, and of course a chocolate and strawberry gateaux which was super yummy. But I need to get in shape for the middle of June when we go back to see Warren. Bring on some more healthy living.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Mothers day

With only a few days to go until Mothers day, I have been thinking alot about what tradition our family will start. I have mixed feelings about Mothers day. As a child, I don't really remember it being a big deal. We would usually make something to give to mum, and I remember occasionally cooking her breakfast, but that is about it. I always thought she discouraged it because of the commercialisation of the day. I have since realised that she just didn't want to waste money or make a fuss. And as an adult, I have never spent a Mothers day with Mum, since she lives so far away. It's not that I don't love her, but I just didn't see what the fuss this one day was all about.
People also forget about all those for whom Mothers day is just a painful reminder of what they don't have. Not just women who are infertile, but those who have lost babies as well. My first MD was only a week after our diagnosis. I couldn't even bring myself to ring my mum that day, I was still so shocked and distressed. Even this year, I am looking at all of the marketing of happy families with lots of kids and thinking that our family won't be like that.
Another thing that annoys me about MD is the assumption that all mothers deserve to be praised. It is a sad reality that some mothers just aren't that good at being mothers. I won't go into details, but suffice to say that James' mum will only be getting a phone call this year. And that's only because she applied some emotional manipulation a few years back.
I found it interesting that the founder of the modern MD, Anna Jarvis, eventually protested against the commercialisation of MD and wished that she had never begun the holiday. I certainly don't like that aspect of it, although if James does read this, I notice that Lindt chocolates (my favourite) are on special at Coles (hint hint). But I do find it sad that we are told that if you don't buy something for your mum on this one day, then you are not a good or appreciative child. What about all the other days? Surely mum would like some appreciation then too?
Perhaps I'm being too harsh. I have a wonderful husband who makes me feel appreciated all the time. If he wasn't so good at this, I probably would look forward to the one day of the year where I could expect some treats. This year we are just going to cook a nice breakfast. I have then requested a lunch at Ikea. I have been hanging out to go shopping there, and I LOVE the meatballs. So I guess we are not "doing" anything, but I will look forward to spending it with my beautiful little girl, and I guess that is what it really is all about.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Why is this so hard?

We were at a party today and I was talking with a cousin of the host, S. She has been through IVF many times and now has a beautiful little girl. After she was born they tried again, but after another hard cycle decided that they wouldn't continue. Her story resonates so closely with mine, except S seems to have gone through so much more - they tried for nearly 10 years. With each cycle she had OHSS really bad and was hospitalised four or five times to be drained. She said it was that last time when she knew that the cost to her family was too great and they decided not to continue.

While talking to her I got a bit teary. She then called me out on some of the emotional side of things that I wasn't expecting. She said that she could see in my eyes the "fog" that comes over you when you are in the IVF world. This fog stops you from thinking clearly, from experiencing little joys, from being happy. I had had these thoughts myself, that I feel sad all the time, but thought that it was just me and I should snap out of it. To have someone else say that they have been there and lived it was a real eye opener. Her advise to me was to delay my cycle until I felt stronger and to focus on what I do have. This thought terrifies me. I'm getting older, my eggs are getting older. I just don't feel like I can take this risk. The trouble is James doesn't want me to continue so he would be quite happy to stop. It is just so hard. S also talked about how even though she cherishes every moment with her daughter, she is still sad and grieving for the children she couldn't have. On a lighter note though we had a bit of a giggle over the phrases people say and both agreed that if one more person says "but you should be grateful for what you've got" they would get a punch in the face.

So talking with S today has got me quite confused. I don't know what to do. The thought of stopping terrifies me, but it really is taking up all my strength to keep going. Why is this so hard?

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Another year down

It is my birthday tomorrow, I am another year older. I am really starting to feel old now. We were at the bottle shop the other day when the (young) attendant remarked on James shirt - a vintage style "the Goodies". He said how cool it was, and surely it would be worth a fortune! We laughed and I said that he would have been too young to remember them. His response - "They show repeats on foxtel". Of course they do.
Anyway tomorrow I am looking forward to celebrating being old with my gorgeous family. We are going to a local restaurant for dinner. I actually can't wait to take Charlotte out and of course I am looking forward to a nice meal! Hopefully she behaves herself and doesn't chuck a tantrum. We have had quite a few the last few days. Unfortunately though she has also been a bit sick (and so have I). She has had some high temps but otherwise seems ok. I got very worried on Thursday when her temp was 39.1. She was really lethargic so I gave her some panadol and put her in a cool bath. Since then her temp has gone up and down. But she doesn't have a sniffly nose, she isn't pulling her ears, and she is eating ok. I hope that it is teething and will pass, but it is still a bit worrying.
After this weekend we are going on a health kick. No more wine, sweet things, or treats. I will go back on the metformin too. I really need to do this, I have put on so much weight - it is really disheartening. And my cycle is all over the place. AF finally arrived this week, 10 days late. It was doing my head in. I did 2 pregnancy tests, and really kept obsessing over it. I guess it means that the PCOS is getting worse so the metformin should help with that.
Well I best head to bed since Charlotte will probably wake up during the night. That would be a wonderful birthday present if she slept in!