We were at a party today and I was talking with a cousin of the host, S. She has been through IVF many times and now has a beautiful little girl. After she was born they tried again, but after another hard cycle decided that they wouldn't continue. Her story resonates so closely with mine, except S seems to have gone through so much more - they tried for nearly 10 years. With each cycle she had OHSS really bad and was hospitalised four or five times to be drained. She said it was that last time when she knew that the cost to her family was too great and they decided not to continue.
While talking to her I got a bit teary. She then called me out on some of the emotional side of things that I wasn't expecting. She said that she could see in my eyes the "fog" that comes over you when you are in the IVF world. This fog stops you from thinking clearly, from experiencing little joys, from being happy. I had had these thoughts myself, that I feel sad all the time, but thought that it was just me and I should snap out of it. To have someone else say that they have been there and lived it was a real eye opener. Her advise to me was to delay my cycle until I felt stronger and to focus on what I do have. This thought terrifies me. I'm getting older, my eggs are getting older. I just don't feel like I can take this risk. The trouble is James doesn't want me to continue so he would be quite happy to stop. It is just so hard. S also talked about how even though she cherishes every moment with her daughter, she is still sad and grieving for the children she couldn't have. On a lighter note though we had a bit of a giggle over the phrases people say and both agreed that if one more person says "but you should be grateful for what you've got" they would get a punch in the face.
So talking with S today has got me quite confused. I don't know what to do. The thought of stopping terrifies me, but it really is taking up all my strength to keep going. Why is this so hard?
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