It will get better when...

I have heard this alot over the last few months. It will get better when... you reach 12 weeks; 16 weeks; in the second trimester; by the third trimester... A friend said the third trimester just the other day but it was a bit tongue in cheek as she knows full well that it won't.

I am nearly into the third trimester (never thought I would say that) and I am struggling. The last few weeks have been really hard physically and emotionally. Even with Mum and Dad here it has been really tough. Mum is fantastic at helping with Charlotte and did heaps of dirty nappies, bathed her, entertained her so I could sleep. But it still didn't help me feel any better. I am still vomiting every day, sometimes just the once, other days up to 3 to 4 times. I am so drained by it as it really controls your life. I am really sensitive to smells so Charlotte's nappies are guaranteed to set me off. Yesterday James was cooking sausages and I was fine until that point when it hit me like a ton of bricks. I also had a bit of a vertigo attack just after Christmas which was really disconcerting.

I think the heat and humidity is making it worse. The trouble is that all the rain has made the pool very very cold to swim in. I also feel quite down when every day is a grey sky. I should be grateful as all this rain has made things a tiny bit cooler but it has also put the humidity up (it has been close to 30 degrees with an average of 70-80% humidity). So now my feet are puffing up too which of course makes me worried about my blood pressure which is up slightly (puffy feet can be a sign of pre-eclampsia). I've also got restless legs at nighttime which is driving me crazy. And of course my pelvis is still painful everyday. Some days it is worse than others but trying to sleep at night is just an ordeal.

Emotionally I've lost it a few times. Christmas morning was bad as I tried to have a rest before family showed up but couldn't then had to vomit anyway. I felt that I can't give Charlotte and James the attention and love that they deserve. I also had a cry on her birthday. Not only do I feel sick all the time but I can't get on the floor and play with her. She says "sit down Mummy" but I just can't. We gave her a train set for her birthday which she likes but doesn't really get just yet but I can't help her with the track and other bits and pieces as even if I get on the floor I can't move much. So we have put that away for the time being.

So I'm struggling with everything. It doesn't matter what anyone says, I feel like the worst mother in the entire world. I am really wondering why I have done this to our family, especially when you think that really I've been on drugs and hormonal for 11 out of the last 12 months. I am slowly coming to the acceptance that I can't do this again. James and I have talked about this a bit as I would like to try for a third, but he doesn't want me to go through any of this again. I'm slowly coming to that realisation that I probably can't, but it just breaks my heart.

James (finally) has a few days of holidays for the rest of this week. We are planning on a few day trips which will be lovely. I need to do fun things to remind myself that I can have fun. Pity it looks like rain though.