but that's not me

Time seems to moving very slowly at the moment. It is 6 sleeps to "christmas father" coming as Charlotte keeps reminding us. And it is 3 sleeps until we see the neurosurgeon.

I am having good and bad days. After seeing the specialist nearly two weeks ago, I had a very bad day with a few tears. Even though he was very reassuring, I still felt down. And then I had a good day or two. I am trying to take the approach that it is just a growth, and it is essentially routine elective surgery to get rid of it. This very zen ideology was working until I went to the pharmacy to get the script for the anti-histamine that the ENT had prescribed. He had called earlier in the day after speaking with a neurologist, and they had decided that it was worth trying it even though the side effects and effect on breasfteeding were not desirable. Given it is a bit nasty, the pharmacist wanted to have a big chat with me about it and of course asked why I was taking it. The look on her face when I had to say brain tumour brought me back down to earth. Because no matter how you spin it, it is still a brain tumour.

Unfortunately the side effects of the medication are too much for me. They made me so groggy. I only took half a tablet and was a wreck for most of the next day. Angus was up twice during the night and I simply couldn't function to take care of him. Thank goodness it was the weekend and James could help. I got up with Angus at 6 (he was up at 12, then between 2-5) so James could sleep but by 8am I was in tears I was so groggy. Thankfully he go up then so I crashed out - but I just can't do that everyday!

So I guess I just have to put up with the dizziness. There are times when I feel ok, then I move my head and everything spins. I get so frustrated with myself because I am so tired. I don't know if it is just from non-sleeping children or from blobby. I keep trying to tell myself to just get over it and keep on going but it gets hard.

Then this weekend I had another reality check. We were at a friend's Christmas bbq and another friend I didn't know (who had a newborn) started talking about how hard it would be to be a parent to young children and have cancer or something. A few awkard silences and we started talking about me and blobby. This friend knows someone who did have cancer while pregnant, and started a charity called Mummy's wish. They help out mums with cancer with practical support, babysitting, cleaning, food hampers and so on. It sounds a wonderful organisation and she strongly recommended I get in touch.

I had a look at their website last night. They help out lots of mum's with cancer, going through chemo and radiation. But surely that's not me? I don't have cancer. Yet the more I looked, the more like me they seemed. So I'm not sure where I fit into this world of tumours and cancer. I know that next year will be hard when I have surgery and if I need radiation; and I will definitly need help. However I don't want to admit that I fall into this group of mums just yet. So for the moment I will still try to be zen about it, and just try to ignore the fact that I have a tumour in my head.