A difficult decision made

Last week we made the hardest decision I've ever made - we signed the paperwork to have our last embryo destroyed.

I think I've mentioned on here before how we had one last frostie and I was torn about what to do with it. When we got the last bill for storage James and I really sat down and talked it through. Neither of us want to keep on paying for storage - it is money that could be much better used on our children. I would have liked to have tried again, just one last time. James is adamant that we don't. I know in my head that he is right. The pregnancy with Angus took such a toll on me; I know I can't do it again, not just for my health but also for the family. It helps that the last few months I have felt nauseous every day with this dizziness. It helps to remind me how horrid it was and that I don't want to do it again.

As much as it pains me to say this, but we also decided not to donate it. I thought long and hard about this decision. I know that I would have been giving a wonderful gift to another couple who probably have been through more than us. However I believe that I would then spend the rest of my life wondering about this child that is out there. Would they look like us, are they good at music, or swimming like Charlotte. Are they being taken care of by their parents. And then I thought that if they ever made contact with me, I would embrace them into our lives, which isn't necessarily the right thing to do (I fear that I would want to mother them). James also felt uncomfortable about donating the embryo. Had he been really keen I may have explored it more but it is half his "genetic material" too and has a large say in what we do.

So after ignoring the bill for a while, we signed the paperwork (after getting a nasty "we're sending out the debt collectors" letter which I am very angry about but that's another story). I had a big cry that night. I was teary at dinner and Charlotte said "I make it all better", climbed onto my lap, gave me a hug and said "I made it better". I'm still not sure if we have made the right decision but it is done now. At least now we can move on. Infertility will always be a part of me, but for the first time in 6 years I am not thinking about getting pregnant. So bring on the next phase. I am absolutely looking forward to our first family holiday in a few weeks. I am starting to think about going back to work, and for that money to be used for exciting things like an outdoor kitchen, and a laundry renovation, not for IVF treatments. And it is nice to finally start to feel like we are complete as a family.