A big decision made

This pregnancy thing is hard, really hard. And I can't do it anymore. This is a huge decision for me. James has said a number of times that he doesn't want any more children. Not because he doesn't want more, but because he doesn't want to see me go through this again. And I've finally started to agree with him. The cost to our family is huge.

We actually brought this up with my OB at the last visit. If we aren't going to have any more children, we need to think about birth control. That sounds so stupid to me to say as we haven't worried about that for many many years. But knowing my luck, I will be one of those rare creatures who naturally gets pregnant after years of IVF. I did ask about having my tubes tied during the cesarean, but the hospital won't do it (a Catholic private hospital upholding good ole catholic values). And I also think my OB wasn't that keen to take that route "just in case". She did however seem to think that the decision to stop at 2 children was a wise idea. She didn't outright say it, but insinuated that future pregnancies are going to be harder, more risk etc. and I would be highly likely to end up in hospital again.

So we need to consider some options but will wait until bubba comes. I don't want to use any hormonal contraception which pretty much rules everything out. James has offered to go and get the snip but we'll wait and see. We could take our chances, but I know that I would spend every month thinking about it.

This is such a huge decision. I know that I need to think about it now as that weird biological coping strategy of wiping your memory clean will make me think that I can do a pregnancy again in a few months time. When realistically I can't. I have already made the decision that we won't do anymore IVF treatments. However we still have the embryo frozen that we have to consider. That is another step we need to take, and that decision will be alot harder to make.

So no more children for us. I am becoming more at peace with it, simply because I feel so crap every single day. But when you have been through so much to have just 2 children, to make that final decision is really hard. I did want 3 children, but not at the cost of our family, and potentially my health. I am however starting to look forward to a life without living with infertility. We have been dealing with this for nearly 6 years and quite frankly I don't know myself without the shadow of infertility. I'm looking forward to planning things without worrying about saving for a cycle, or how it will impact us. And we have so much to look forward to - family holidays, special occasions, school, sports, ballet lessons, so many things. And we will just have to do it as a family of 4.