Anniversaries

We have anniversaries for so many things. The occasion of meeting someone, weddings, births, that trip you took. Some of them pass without much fanfare while others stick in your mind.

I was thinking about dates and didn't even realise that this week 5 years ago was when we conceived Charlotte. Well technically she was conceived months earlier and then put in the freezer, but this was the week that she was frozen, then transferred.

Co-incidentally, this week a year ago was when I went downhill, and was admitted to hospital. This is the anniversary of when things became really hard. It started over the course of a few days, although looking back now, I had been getting sicker for a few weeks before hand. Reading back over old blog posts, I wrote on the 3rd April how hard things were and how fatigued I was. Things got worse after that with increasing nausea and fatigue. In hindsight, we were very silly. If anyone else said "I have these worsening symptoms and a brain tumour" they would have hightailed it to hospital. Instead, I kept telling myself it would get better.

It started on a Saturday when I woke up and I had vertigo. I also had the nystagmus then but I didn't realise what it was. Stupidly, I still kept trying to do normal things. I remember that we went to the shops and had lunch. But the kids played up, and I was just about in tears by the time we got home. The next day was slightly better so I think I thought it would all go away. By the Monday I knew I wasn't coping. I spent most of the day in bed. James and I had a vicious argument when I just lost the plot as I felt so sick. We had a visitor for a short visit who I don't think had any idea how serious it all was, although one look at a worried, stressed James should have given them an idea. That night I went to an acupuncturist; I was desperate. It didn't make any difference to the dizziness, nausea and vertigo but might have been relaxing. I drove there which given I was seeing double was really very stupid, but that was the last time I drove for nearly 3 months. Tuesday was a blur of vomiting and lying down - I was just trying to get through the day until Wednesday when I had an appointment to see my specialist.

It was such a relief to go and see him, even if I did vomit the whole way there. The kids had swimming lessons that morning and I did think that we could still make it after seeing him; again we were in such denial. Even when he said he would admit me I still thought that I would go home after a day or two. How wrong was I.

Three weeks later I was home; fatigued, weak, still dizzy, and medicated to the eyeballs. Every day since then has been a battle to manage my tiredness, nausea, the kids, the meds, appointments, my recovery. I've had quite a few setbacks along the way. Blobby has taken a lot of things from me. I am so paranoid now about my health and the kids as well. I am scared to plan things because I don't know how I feel. I want to go back to work, but on a bad day that thought scares me.

But being sick has shown us how many special people we have in our lives, and for that we are grateful, and we appreciate every one who has helped us along the way.

I have my follow up MRI, bone scan, oncologist and neurologist appointments next week which is making me feel anxious. It doesn't help that I've been having a few bad days with worsening fatigue. I did have some tests done the other day which are mostly normal but made me feel anxious, although my GP has referred me to yet another specialist for follow up. I hope the MRI shows no growth again, and if that is the case I hope I can start to move forward with confidence. Blobby has beaten me up, but I'm still here so he hasn't won yet.