Planning day

Today was planning day. I guess it all went well, except I am exceptionally tired tonight and feeling overwhelmed.

The MRI was fine. They injected the contrast via a cannula (of which I have developed a slight phobia after all the IVF) just before they started. The technician stated that it would likely take 15 mins. Thirty minutes and it was all done. I don't get claustrophobic in the machine, but I find the last 5 minutes or so terrible as I just want to move (my hand had gone numb, my other hand was itchy). I'm a little worried that they found something else given how long it all took but I have to wait for the results.

I had a little bit of time after that to grab some lunch. They wanted me to fast for the MRI for 2 hours. Which is fine, I probably wouldn't have eaten anything anyway, but suddenly I was starving and felt deprived.

I then went to get my face mask and CT scan. Once again waiting in the clinic to be called was sobering seeing people obviously sicker than me. However today I then got mad at myself as I was the youngest there by several decades. Yes it is a benign tumour; but I am in my thirties with two small children. It isn't fair! However I did nearly have a heart attack there. The receptionist asked if I'd been advised of the fees; I remarked that the specialist had warned of an out of pocket cost of about $3000 but didn't know the upfront fees. She calmly responded "$15,500". My jaw hit the counter. At that point she realised how shocked I looked and suddenly responded "oh you don't have to pay that, we get medicare to do it!" Phewee. Thank goodness for medicare!

Eventually I was called and they did the face mask first. This is made by applying a heated thermoplastic to my face. As it cools, it hardens and takes on the shape of my face. It was a very strange sensation feeling it harden over me, particularly as it was (by design) very firm. I couldn't talk, I couldn't move, I couldn't even blink. While it was hardening, they left it on and did the CT scan. I immediately began to feel nauseous. I don't know if it was the contrast, the pressure, or the sensation of moving within the CT scan. I tried to explain it to the staff afterwards and they remarked that most people don't even feel it moving (it moves about a cm, takes a scan, moves again). However I could definitely feel it moving. Blobby obviously doesn't like the CT scan. This has me greatly worried about the treatment as they need to move me in position. I guess I can tolerate it for a short period of time. I hope. 

So they now need to review the scans and determine whether I will get radiosurgery (a 1-2 hour session) or fractionated radiotherapy (which may be as many as 30 sessions). I'm not sure how I feel about either. They have given me a tentative start date of 8 February.

James, once again, has been wonderful and took the day off work to look after the kids. I had a rest once I got home and have been teary all afternoon. I am exhausted after all that. I am realising that we really need help. The house is a mess. I haven't got the energy to do anything with the kids. Some days are good, but other days I just need a nap and James can't keep taking time off work. So many of our friends have offered to help and I find it so hard to admit that we need it. I just don't know what to do. I keep hoping that I will wake up and one day I will just feel great but it isn't happening. I know I just need to keep trying to go to the gym, keep eating healthy, and trust that the treatment will make a difference. In the meantime I will wait to hear about what is involved next.