Sunday, November 27, 2011

One week on

*I wrote this last week while we were away on our holiday but couldnt upload it until today. And an update - the second specialist has moved my appointment up to the 7th December.*

It has been a week since the diagnosis of a brain tumour was confirmed. Emotionally I'm doing ok. I've yet to have a big cry about the whole thing although I can feel that looming. I have quite a short temper though and find little things are setting me off. I feel amazed that people can look at me and have a normal conversation when inside I want to yell “but I have a brain tumour!!”.

Physically I don't feel very well. I am nauseous almost all of the time. I have taken to downing stematil regularly otherwise I can spend a fair portion of the day vomiting. And the dizziness is pervasive. The best way to describe it is that I feel constantly tipsy, nudging into that sick hungover feeling.

The dominant feeling I have right now is frustration.

I am frustrated at how long I have to wait to see the specialist.

My first ENT thought that my symptoms weren't caused by blobby. This frustrates me immensely since I think he is wrong. And if he isn't, then what is causing it?

I'm frustrated that I don't know what the next few months will hold. If I need surgery, when will that be? Should I book Charlotte and Angus in for next semesters swimming lessons or will I be too sick/recovering? Should we make big plans for Christmas? Realistically I can't see anything happening until next year but I just want to know.

I need to know what the treatment plan will be as I'm still feeding Angus. Should I start weaning him now? I have no idea how to do that (with Charlotte I fed her until she no longer needed breastmilk so it was really easy to wean her).

I know that I shouldn't be thinking all of these what ifs until they happen, but I can't stop myself. I suppose that being frustrated isn't the worse emotion to be experiencing, however I'm sure that will change soon.

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