This week has been a little bit tough and emotional.I keep feeling that I should be able to move on from the trials of the last few years. Or even that I have moved on. We have two beautiful children, the infertility rollercoaster is behind us. But it isn't. It has formed a scar that simply won't fade.
I realised that this week when a friend made a comment. I hear comments made about pregnancy and babies all the time and usually it takes alot to get me upset. However this comment touched me very deeply and has left me doing alot of soul searching. I won't say exactly what the comment was as that is really irrelevant. Suffice to say it was along the lines of putting themselves first before the baby's needs. And her words took that scar and ripped it right open.
I spent alot of time thinking about what we've been through. I would have done anything to get pregnant and the physical and emotional pain we've experienced is testimony to that. I shudder sometimes to think of how many needles I stuck in me, how many really nasty drugs I took. Every EPU was a painful experience as I got OHHS each time such that once I couldn't walk or stand up due to the pain and another time I needed rehydration. I developed a phobia about having cannula's inserted. I have a scar on my stomach from the laparoscopy that hurts when I rub it. But all of that pales in significance compared to that gut wrenching feeling when you hear "sorry, not this time".
I feel bad that I can't let these feelings go. But maybe I shouldn't. It was a large part of our life, and I'm stronger because of it. I know my relationship with James is stronger (if we can survive that, we can survive anything). And despite all that pain, we have two beautiful children.
I'm also feeling sad at the moment that we can't have any more children. As time passes, I am forgetting that it was 9 months of torture. I had to re-read this blog to remind myself that it really was that hard (and I actually didn't write how bad it really was sometimes). James is adamant that we won't try again. And my OB was pretty clear at my last visit that future pregnancies are not a good idea.
I need to move on but I'm not sure how. I know that writing this blog is very cathartic for me and if by some chance there is someone out there who has felt better for reading this, then great. I just want to be able to hear people talking about babies and future children and not feel that twinge of sadness. I am definitely trying to savour every minute of my children's lives (even with the challenges of Charlotte's toddler stage). I know that all of this is hard for people to understand, particularly if they haven't been through fertility treatment. So if you are reading this, please know that the scars don't ever go away, and I'm not being judgemental, but sometimes there are words and comments that still hurt.
I'm reading, but I can't really understand what you've been through. But I will say that what I learnt of your experiences were part of why I decided I wouldn't try IVF, that if I couldn't concieve naturally I would not have a child.
ReplyDeleteWe are different people, and make different decisions - chosing to have children is obviously more important to you than me. I know that I am lucky that I did become pregnant at my age, and that I will never have to think really hard about whether to try IVF after all. Luck is like that, completely random and unfair.
What I'll say about moving on, after something that was such a big part of your life, so painful and difficult, is that sometimes you just can't hurry the process. And it always takes longer than you want, and longer than people around you want to hear about it. (I'm getting better at putting up with how long it takes now I've realised that.)
You've reached a point where you know intellectually it's time, but your emotions are going to take longer. I suspect writing about it like this, getting hurtful reminders again and recognising them, is part of what needs to happen. It feels horrible now and nothing can be done about that, but some day you will look back and it'll be clear.
The thing about scars is that some things will re-open them, but other things, that might feel equally painful, are like massage breaking up the knots and tight bits. Eventually the scar will just be there, part of you, but not getting in the way of you living your life.
Thankyou so much Ingrid for your comments. I think that you do get it, well at least that level of emotional turmoil. You have made me feel better about being in the place that I am, and given me the courage to keep moving forward.
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