Not quite a resolution

It is the end of another year. One that I can say has been quite tough. I have found myself, like many others, wishing for a better 2013. Which really is a strange thing to do. Tomorrow the sun will come up, and another day will start, that won't be too much different to today. Just because a new calender year has begun it doesn't mean that the hurts, trials and tribulations of the previous year go away or stop being an issue.

Nevertheless, I do wish for an easier 2013. I say most years that I don't do New Years Resolutions. However, the start of a new calender year does make a convenient time to revisit goals, and make plans for the months ahead. So here are my not quite resolutions for the coming year:

• Get off the dex: Over the last month, I have managed to drop my dex dose down to 1mg. I am really happy about this, but it has been tough. The nausea, fatigue and dizzy spells have been very taxing. But I managed, and at a time when we have been particularly busy too. The dex has been a bit of a mental crutch for me (I feel that without it my brain will swell, that I can't cope and so on) but now that I feel more stable I need to do without it. The side effects are terrible. I feel like the old woman who swallowed a fly in that I am taking medication after medication to combat the side effects. Also I need to discover what I am like without the dex as I don't know what my symptoms are following the radiation. In the first week of January I will drop down another dose, with the hope that I will be completely off it by the end of February. 
• Lose some weight: 10 kg to be specific. Which is alot. I have been blaming the dex for this weight gain, and it has played a large part. However I can't blame the dex for what I put in my mouth. I've still been managing to go to the gym once or twice a week so I need to increase that slightly. Strangely, I am having urges to start running. In the past I have only ever run to catch transport, or to chase children. However last week I hopped onto the treadmill and spent 5 minutes running (ok, ambulating along at a slightly higher speed than walking is a more accurate description) and I felt ok. Until I stopped, then blobby went a bit spacko and let me know he didn't like it. So I might not do the treadmill again, but I might consider going for a jog. I think I like that I can set a clear goal (eg. run 5km) and work towards that. Irrespective, I need to focus on eating healthy and moving more. 
• Go back to work: I have been talking about this for such a long time. Being an OT is so important to me, it is part of my identity. As much as I have enjoyed not being at work, I need that mental stimulation as well as that sense of satisfaction that being part of the workforce gives one. Not to mention the finances desperately need a boost! However returning to work scares me. I don't want to do it until I am off the dex. And I am still so tired at the moment that I worry I wouldn't cope. And then there is the daunting part of actually finding a new job. But I hope that by March I will be medication free, feeling stronger, and looking for work.
• Be more present for friends: I feel that I have let a lot of our friends down this year. I have spent so long worrying about myself that I haven't been there for others. And for this I am sorry. So next year there will be more playdates, more catchups and messages sent!

Of course there are many more things I wish for 2013. I hope that my children continue to stay healthy, and happy. That Charlotte continues to do well at kindy (she officially starts this year). That our friends and family know happiness and good health. But these aren't resolutions, just things I always hope for.

So whatever may have happened in 2012, I hope that you can look forward to what may come in the New Year!