The emotional side

I know I often speak of how I'm feeling, but I don't often reveal the true emotional side of things I'm going through. For various reasons, mostly I feel too embarrassed to admit how I'm feeling. But I thought I would write down what I have been feeling these last few weeks.

Before I went into hospital, I simply wasn't coping. I was starting to think I should see someone to talk about having depression as I just couldn't see a way out of feeling bad. When I saw Sile the day she admitted me I could cry at the drop of a hat. When she said "would you fight me if I admitted you?" I immediately said no. I knew I needed help of some kind. Even that day in hospital the admitting nurse made me cry just by asking about my history. At that point she said she would get the OT to come and have a chat with me (not an "ordinary" OT, one trained in prenatal care apparently. I had a giggle at that as she didn't know I was an OT). I didn't mind as I knew I wasn't coping. I simply couldn't imagine another day feeling like this let alone a few weeks. I felt like I had fought long and hard to have this baby, but there simply wasn't any more fight left in me.

Thankfully the physical symptoms eased and I began to think clearer. It really was like a fog had been lifted. Before I hadn't been able to make decisions, or deal with anything out of the ordinary. When I saw the OT we spoke for over an hour. It was towards the end that something she said really clicked with me. I was upset that I couldn't take care of Charlotte and was being a bad mother. That James was having to step up and he wasn't coping with me being in. The OT said that I needed to give myself "permission". Permission to be in hospital, permission to cook this baby as best I can, permission to let Charlotte watch cartoons, let the house go, not go out if I don't want to. Also permission to acknowledge that we haven't had an easy road to be here and that it is ok to be upset at that.

This was a huge relief for me to have something I could hang on to. Yes I needed permission to rest, to take it easy and ask others for help. As soon as I started to think along those lines the stress of being in hospital eased and I could focus on getting better.

Now I am home I am still struggling with this concept of just resting. I feel that there is so much to do but I also know that rest is so important to me and the baby. I am starting to feel better in the last few days which is dangerous as I think I can overdo it. I need to keep remembering that I have permission to not do anything if I want!