An up and down week

I feel like this has been an up and down week. I actually felt like I hadn't improved at all, but after chatting with my Mum she feels I have. She has been pulling back on doing things with the kids and the house so I am doing more, and I guess I didn't really notice that. But I have had a couple of bad days where I needed an extra lie down, or I didn't feel up to going for a walk. This morning I actually felt nauseous which I haven't felt for a little while. But then we had a big outing to the shops for a few things (probably the longest I've been out and about in weeks) and I was exhausted afterwards. I did however manage to make chocolate fondants this evening. Sadly they turned out more moist chocolate cake, which is shame, as it means I obviously need to practice making them again. Such a shame.

One big milestone this week was that I stopped the epilim (the anti-convulsant). I wasn't too sure if this was helping me at all. However the day after I had some weird side effects. The ataxia (hand tremor) was incredibly bad; to the point that I couldn't hold objects properly. By the end of the day it had worn off but it was very disconcerting. It is still there a bit today. I will keep an eye on that (and the nausea) and if they continue I might need to go back on the epilim. I was originally put on that as they thought I might be having a migraine type attack, or the nerves were irritated and doing odd things, or something. Unfortunately that same day I slipped and fell down the stairs. I don't think it is related, but obviously can't be sure. It was probably quite comical to watch. I literally bumped my way down 6 steps. I now have a huge bruise on my bottom, and am very sore all over.

I have however, started taking half a valium at bedtime. The dex is really messing with my sleep, and some nights I was only getting 4-5 hours. Once I started taking the valium I found I was getting a good 4 hour chunk, and then a few hours after that which was heavenly. Although that all goes out the window if one of the kids wakes up. I hate that I'm taking something like that, but I know once I'm off the dex I can also stop taking it.

I also had a bad day this week when I finally pulled my head out of the sand and asked James how the finances were looking. I wish I was still oblivious. Ouch is a good word. A combination of medical bills, daycare fees, plus all the incidentals from my time in hospital (car parking, petrol, extra expenses etc etc) has hit the hip pocket hard. And I shed a tear about that. And then got a bit angry. We will be fine, all the bills will still get paid (we won't have any savings left though). But it means no little extras at all. I was hoping that we could take the kids away for a few days but that won't happen. I bought some new clothes last week (a total of $70 to get me through winter) and am now regretting that. Stupidly I am craving a nice restaurant meal and was hoping James and I could have a treat but that won't happen either. And then I got annoyed at myself as there are so many people for whom these things aren't even possible anyway. So I should stop complaining. I just get angry when I think how much this has cost us in real terms. But I felt that way about the IVF too.

I have to keep telling myself that I will get better; and then I can go back to work and ease the pressure financially. My goal is to be back at work by the end of the year. Now blobby just needs to co-operate and start behaving!