A bit of an apology

I have just re-read some of my old blog posts, and I think I need to offer a bit of an apology. Wow I sound miserable.

I started this blog as a way to just get out my thoughts about starting the IVF journey again. I had hoped that people might read it, but really just wanted to write it for myself. Every now and then I wrote a post that I hoped might help someone in some way. Either through further understanding of the IVF process, or just letting them know they aren't alone. Then I got pregnant, and so began being sick.

Occasionally I would write a post that on some level I thought was witty/insightful/thoughtful. At the back of my mind was always the hope that one particular post would go viral and people would say "wow what a witty/insightful/thoughtful post, I will read her blog". But that hasn't happened. Oh well.

Nevertheless I have more readers and followers than I ever thought I would, and I am truly grateful for everyone who reads this, as I know you are all supporting me.

But an apology. Over the last few months of posts there were times I thought I was being upbeat, and positive, but a lot of it doesn't come across that way. Particularly for those 6 weeks post the radiation. I didn't realise how down I was feeling on a day to day basis until I re-read the posts. Because physically I wasn't doing too bad. I was still doing most of our normal routines; taking the kids to swimming, doing activities, catching up with friends and so on. But I can see the turning point where my brain was starting to swell (about the time I started the rehabilitation, that's when the fatigue started to get worse).

However, what does come across is how anxious I was. I spent a lot of time worrying about the worst happening, and my brain swelling. Well now the worst has happened, and I survived, so now I can stop worrying about it. I don't think I will stop worrying about the future completely. There are still many milestones I need to pass. And blobby will always be there, lurking away (which is why I need annual MRI's as he could always decided to metastasise and then we are onto a whole new ballgame). I know I have some issues to work through now. I feel like I have lost a whole chunk of time. The last few months are a blur and when I think about losing that time, I get quite upset.

But when I look towards the future I feel optimistic and hopeful. I am feeling almost ready to go back to the gym and start on some reconditioning. Then I might think about some rehab again (maybe, I feel a bit scarred to go back). I can't quite see the light at the end of the tunnel but I know that I am getting better and I am hopeful that I will be back to my old self sometime. Not the sick, pregnant, IVF stressed me. But the old me.