On coming home

So today has been a good day. I didn't need any anti-nausea meds this morning, although the shower was tiring as usual. I managed to sit up for a while this morning and feel quite good now. My thoughts are all about coming home.

My doctors have been very relaxed about this - they think it is up to me. Last night when I saw my neuro (he keeps late hours) he said "you will be unwell when you go home, so it is up to you. You can always come back". hmmm. Don't plan on coming back. Mum and James would like me to stay in until I can handle the kids. It is too hard to just sit still and tell them that Mummy can't get up.

But my mummy guilt is wracking me. I feel like I should just suck it up and get home. Just deal with it. I am still really struggling with this concept of how sick I am. You may have noticed that I've never really dealt with the whole fact that I have a brain tumour. I've preferred to think that it could be worse, that others have it worse, so I just need to get on with life. Which is fine. And I know you are all yelling at me that it is pretty bad. And I am slowly accepting that. I think soldiering on through the radiation was fine, but it has taken it's toll.

So I am still in this conundrum of coming home. It helps that today has been such a good day. Today was the first time I felt that I could actually cope. I will see how I go tomorrow and if I have another good day then I will try for Friday. I am seriously getting over the hospital routine (still ok with the food though although I would kill for a home made pizza and a glass of wine but that won't happen for a while with the drugs I'm on).

And I've received so many birthday messages today which has been lovely. We had a little "party" in the room this afternoon with some cake and some fake bubbly. Angus devoured the cake, Charlotte had some fun, it was nice. I feel very loved today.