How the kids are coping

It has been nearly two months since I went into hospital, and it is still affecting the kids, particularly Charlotte. Even this morning she made a comment: "I'm glad you came home". I asked "from where?" "From the hospital, I'm glad you came home". That was the sound of my heart breaking.

In the first week or so home it was really hard on both of them. I had no energy, so picking them up was impossible. I slept a lot. Angus spent that week mostly with my Mum. He was very clingy to her, and would go to her first if he wanted a cuddle. Most mornings she would get him up and he would just snuggle into her on the couch for about 20 mins. However, once I started getting more energy back, and being able to do more things, he started to come to me more and now he seems fine. He isn't sleeping well at night but I do think he is teething as well.

Charlotte on the other hand, was the complete opposite. She wanted Mummy to do everything for her. Which was very hard for me physically, however dealing with her behaviour was harder. Because if someone else tried to help, we had a massive tantrum. She often told Mum and James that she didn't like them, and didn't want them. Of course she got reprimanded for this behaviour, but it didn't really stop it. Her clinginess was most noticeable at dinnertime. She had to dictate who sat where around the dinner table. It was easiest to give in on this issue. But even then, she would literally move her chair so that it was touching mine, she wanted to be close to me as much as possible.

I'm still not sure how much of this is normal toddler behaviour, or is because of my hospitalisation. There have been a few instances where she has said things that make me realise it has affected her. When James and I went to the neurologist a few weeks back, she began to chuck a tantrum as she wanted to come too. It took me a while to work out that she was worried I was going to the hospital again and not coming home. Once I reassured her that I would be home by lunchtime, she calmed down. One night she said to me "I'm so glad that you came home from the big doctors (the hospital) and we can be best friends again". That one hurt.

I realised that we had done her a disservice. When I first got diagnosed, we decided not to tell her about the tumour. At that point, she was only 2! We did talk about Mummy being a bit sick, and needing extra rest, but we didn't focus on it. I never honestly thought that over 6 months on it would still be such a big part of our life. And now she is nearly 3 and a half, heading to four! She is aware of so much more and I think is old enough to comprehend everything. Of course she knew that Mummy was sick and had to go to the hospital, but I'm not sure she knew exactly why. So the other day I sat her down and had a talk about being sick, and why. I told her that I had something growing in my head, and that the doctors gave me some medicine which made me very tired. She asked if she could see the tumour (which was very cute the way she did it).

Overall the talk went quite well. I know it may take time for her to relax about what has happened. Every time we talk about doctors I think she feels I'm going to go away again so we need to continually reassure her. However I know I've done the right thing by talking with her about blobby as my need to go to doctors isn't going to go away any time soon. In the meantime I am doing my best to spend quality time with her. I think this weekend I may take her out for coffee for a mother/daughter treat.