Friday, July 30, 2010

We're pregnant

It's a BFP! I know I did all those POAS but by last night I was convinced that I wasn't, or that it was a chemical pregnancy. The beta was 548 (I think, or 580, I kinda stopped paying close attention when she said 'congratulations'). Warren said I could stop the clexane but keep up everything else but I think I might stay on it for one more week, just in case. I go back next week for another BT then if all is well, book in for the 6 week ultrasound! Yippee! James is very excited. I am still so anxious - I am getting that cramping that I got with Charlotte but it is very disconcerting. It feels like AF is coming RIGHT NOW which I hate. And the OHSS is still lingering as today I got so bloated it was just painful and I thought I might have to call my FS. But I will keep taking one day at a time.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Two days to go

Only two days to go until we have the official blood test. I did the last of the POAS today and yep, two lines are still there. It again came up straight away and after a while looked the same as the control. I am hardly letting myself think it could be true but James is walking around with a silly grin on his face. I would like to keep it a bit quiet but between the two of us I don't think that will happen.

I'm still feeling sick, and the morning vomit is now part of my routine. I actually haven't been feeling that bad for the rest of the day though which is good. If this turns out anything like the last time that won't last. I've been feeling a bit sore and bloated all day today so I guess the OHSS is still lingering. It can hang around for weeks I've been told, and it still has the potential to get worse. I am off to work early tomorrow tomorrow which I am actually dreading. It will be interesting to see if the nausea is worse when I can't just sit and relax. I had better have an early tonight, and go and do my injection. It makes it so much easier to jab yourself when you know it is all for a good cause!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Still there

I did another POAS yesterday afternoon and today. The lines came up straight away, although it is still fainter than the control. I can't tell if it is any lighter or darker than yesterday. So I'm pretty sure it isn't the pregnyl anymore, but I'm still not convinced that it means its worked. It is so frustrating this - if I were a normal fertile I would presume that 3 positive POASs, plus the nausea, vomiting, sore boobs, fatigue etc would mean that you are pregnant. But I just don't want to even think it just yet.
My OHSS is so much better today. My ovaries are still a little bit sore but I have hardly any bloating. I did vomit twice this morning though. Yesterday I ended up calling Warren and he said that if I was vomiting I should be in hospital. I said that I really didn't want to go in and would see how I feel today, and today it is better. It actually started to get better yesterday after I did the POAS so I wonder how much of it was psychosomatic - I wanted to have OHSS because it meant I might be pg. I know that sounds crazy but nothing about my life is quite sane right now. So of course today because it is better I am wondering if I have lost the pg, or that I have a chemical pregnancy. Grrrr this is so frustrating.

I will do another POAS tomorrow (it is the last one I have) and then see. If I am pg I just want to be able to relax and enjoy this pregnancy. I didn't with Charlotte as I was terrified that it wasn't real and that it would all end. Plus being so sick didn't help. Well here's hoping for a resolution one way or another.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Two lines

Ok, I know I shouldn't have done it, that is messes with your head, but we had one PG test sitting in the cupboard. It was a bit out of date but I was saving it for Wednesday. This morning I couldn't resist and did it. At first only the control came up and I felt that deflated feeling. But after a minute or two I started to make out the other line. And it's still there. It is faint, but definitely visible without squinting or imagining it to be there (I have done that, trust me). I don't know how to feel right now. It is possible that it is a false positive but it is nearly a week since the last pregnyl shot. It really is too early to test, but in that case I shouldn't have gotten any line at all! Oh dear. I really don't want to get my hopes up. Yesterday I had some spotting so I was riding that roller coaster of emotion yesterday - swinging between the thought that it was implantation bleeding back to AF was coming. And even if it is positive, alot can happen between now and whenever.

I'm also still confused about the OHSS. James is getting annoyed at me as I keep dithering on whether to call Warren or not. I know that he will probably put me in hospital and I don't want to go. I don't feel like I'm severe enough although I do feel really dehydrated which is a concern. Of course if I am PG it could keep getting worse so I do have to watch it. I just don't know what to do. Right now I feel ok, a little bloated, sore and nauseous but not too bad.

So now we wait and see.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

More downs than ups

It has been a long physically and emotionally draining week. We had a quiet weekend last week, none of us were feeling that great. Which was leading up to Sunday night. James woke up around midnight with vomiting. Then after being up with him, it hit me at 3am. By 6 when Charlotte woke up we were both still being sick, and I could hardly stand. That was one of the longest mornings of my life, trying to take care of her when both James and I could hardly take care of ourselves. We did put a plea for help on facebook to see if someone could come and help but sadly no one replied. I know that no-one wants to come near a gastro, and the people that I know would have come had work or babies so I didn't want them near here. But still it hurt. I so very rarely ask for help and the one time that I do we didn't get any takers.

Anyway, by the end of the day we were managing ok although still sick. I called the clinic the next day as I was worried what all that sickness might do to the embryo's and the nurse reassured me that I should be fine. So Tuesday night I did the pregnyl shot. Big mistake. The OHSS symptoms have been getting progressively worse since then. Tonight I look about 6 months pregnant with bloating, and I'm starting to get quite a bit of pain. But what concerns me most is dehydration. I am so thirsty, and can't seem to drink enough. I don't feel bad enough tonight to go to the hospital, and I don't know whether to call Warren tomorrow or not. I know that he will just tell me to go the hospital. The trouble is that by morning the bloating subsides, and I feel better. But then it gets worse over the course of the day. Everything I've read says that OHSS can get better on its own, so I am a bit confused about what to do right now.

On top of all of this Charlotte has just been such a pain. She has been so whingy, chucking tantrums and being naughty (like drawing on the walls!). When I am feeling so emotional right now it makes it really hard to see why I am putting myself through this torture. I also had a bad day at work on Friday with just trivial things like paperwork and work cars so I had a cry at work which is just embarrassing. I'm sure Charlotte is just picking up on our stress. On Monday morning when James was changing her nappy he began puking everywhere and she started to scream in fear. And everytime I puked she started to cry. We kept saying that mummy and daddy were sick and after a while she began to pat our tummies as though she was saying "there there". Thankfully she didn't come down with it although tonight she did a huge post dinner puke so I spent ages cleaning up vomit from the couch and the floor.

So James and I are so so tired now. I only hope that things improve this week as I don't know how much more I can take.

Friday, July 16, 2010


We are UTDTPO (up the duff till proven otherwise!). I have been a bit late in writing this but I'm still not feeling fantastic. We made it to ET on Thursday and were so anxious. Last time I was feeling good at this point only to be told all the embryo's were bad. This time the scientist walked in and said "its good news!". Two of the embies were quite advanced and at the morula stage, one was an 8 cell compacting (nearly a morula) one was only a 4 cell and probably wouldn't make it and the other had stopped growing. But 2 good ones is fantastic plus one to freeze!!
Warren then came in and did his whole routine (I have to say ahh etc when the speculum goes in, sing a song and goodness knows what else). It's a good thing I was high on Valium! I spent the rest of the day sleeping as Charlotte was at daycare which was such a blessing. Although I still felt groggy by the time we picked her up. And she had had a good day at daycare without much tears at all which was such a relief!

So now I begin the TWW. I am getting a few OHSS symptoms so I don't think I will do the pregnyl shot this evening since it was that which tipped me over last time. I am already symptom spotting - this morning I was changing Charlotte's nappy when I puked everywhere. I'm sure it is too early for MS but it still makes me think. All three of us seem a bit run down with a cold at the moment so I think it was just that. Plus all the tablets still make me sick. I am literally on 20 tablets a day, 3 pessaries, and 1 needle and am finding it a bit overwhelming. Still, only 2 weeks left!

Monday, July 12, 2010

Sore and swollen

I am sore and swollen today after EPU yesterday. I guess it went as well as can be expected. My FS was running late though so I was getting quite anxious before I even went in. Then when I was lying on the table while they were putting the cannula in, I started to cry. I just didn't want to do it, and I don't want to do it anymore. This is a big thing to feel like this. I know I have said a few times that it would be the last time but I guess I didn't really feel it in my heart. Well now I do.
I fell asleep really quickly and before you know it I was in recovery. At first the pain wasn't too bad, about a 2 or 3 out of 10. But then it got worse quite quickly. I couldn't help myself and I was soon in tears. The nursing staff were good though and kept giving me some pain relief until it was under control. It didn't help that my BP was up to 170/100. It is always a good way to freak nurses out that.
Warren came to see me while I was a bit teary. He said it went well and we had gotten 15 eggs. I've learnt from past experiences not to be too excited about that, more concerned about OHSS. They hung some albumin just in case. I spent quite a bit longer in recovery than normal due to the pain and my BP and I just wasn't feeling good. The nurses kept saying how pale I was. I finally got up about 3 hours later and James was waiting in recovery for me with a lovely bunch of flowers. Pity I was feeling too sick to really care, but they are lovely today!
So after alot of rest I am starting to feel a little bit better. Still very sore and last night wasn't very pleasant. I had some endone left over from my c/s so I guiltily took that and it was a blessing! I can feel that bloated feeling from my ovaries so I hope that that goes down, and I still feel quite sick and groggy.
I called the clinic this morning and from the 15 eggs, 9 were fertilised and we now have 5 embryo's. I just hope and pray that by ET we still have at least 2 (but preferably 5) that are viable.
I'm trying not to think about what is to come and what may happen. I just want to get through one day at a time now and wait until Thursday for ET.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Growing slowly

I went in for another scan today at the bright and early time of 6am. So far things are looking good. I have about 12 follies measuring 15mm. So it looks like we are all set for EPU on Monday. Warren has been slowly increasing my dose so I am now back to 100 iu but now that I have the 12 follies my risk of OHSS is alot lower (hopefully). I go back on Saturday for one last scan, then Saturday night is the trigger.

I have been feeling ok physically, quite tired, a bit nauseous. But the last few days I have just felt a bit teary and emotional. There has been alot of baby talk around me and most of the time I am ok with it, but not right now. It just serves to remind me of all that we may never have. And once again I have seen how insensitive people are about infertility. Sure I get that, unless you have been through this you really can't comprehend how much it rules your life, but some comments still hurt.

I know I shouldn't be complaining, that I have so much to be grateful for. I read and post on quite a few forums and there are so many more people who are doing it harder than me. People who have been through so many more cycles, have lost babies, or who are facing the end of their journeys without ever having realised their dream of a baby. But for me, today is a hard day.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Thanks for the advice

A recent conversation with a casual acquaintance in the park:

Her: Your little one is quite active isn't she?

Me: Yep, she sure is, keeps me on my toes.

Her: My first was like that. You know what she needs?

Me: Nope, dance lessons?

Her: A little brother or sister. Having the second so close was such a good thing, it really helped her having a sibling to play with. Such a good idea to have them close and not delay them.

Me: Really? That's a good idea (but in my head - Really, thanks for that bit of advice, I will be sure to go and impregnate myself tonight because you think it is a good idea. Oh hang on, lets go ring my fertility specialist and tell him that you think I should get pregnant. I'm sure he would agree that after 5 years and 8 cycles it will just happen because you say so).

Her: Have a nice day.

Me: You too. idiot.